In loving memory of Kenis D. Keathley 6/4/81 - 3/27/22 Loving father, husband, brother, friend and firewood hoarder Rest in peace, Dexterday

A bit of humor!

Discussion in 'Everything Else (off topic)' started by savemoney, Nov 9, 2013.

  1. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

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    A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

    When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an azzhole!"

    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    Officer: "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

    Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

    Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

    Officer: "Yes, Sir?

    Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for azzhole?"

    Officer: "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
     
  2. wildwest

    wildwest Moderator

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    I am in tears over this, watch till the end, worth the 4.5 minutes

     
  3. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

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    The Male Cycle of life

    When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big breasts. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big some, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

    In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

    When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

    When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

    So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.


    I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big breasts.
     
  4. XXL

    XXL

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    Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
    One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
    morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly
    to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

    His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
    priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
    Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are
    on the golf course.

    The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a
    fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her
    eyes off of."

    The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
    planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
    brochures."

    The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
    reading the manual."

    They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
    like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such
    expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,
    'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or
    intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."
     
  5. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

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    During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.



    My wife and I are traveling by car. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00. I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

    The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows.'

    'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.' No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.' I said, 'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

    'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. So I said, 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'
     
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  6. rottiman

    rottiman

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    Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

    He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

    "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

    "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

    "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."

    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

    The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

    Sarah replies, "Property? .... the old bastard had a paper route!"
     
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  7. rottiman

    rottiman

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    Aldi's a Big Supermarket


    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says To Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell.I guess I'd better see a doctor."


    Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.

    Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.

    A lot cheaper than a doctor.

    So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.


    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi's.


    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
    technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer
    could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

    Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.


    He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits
    the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

    2.Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)


    3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

    4.Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

    5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, Your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
     
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  8. rottiman

    rottiman

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    Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

    One day Russ didn't show up.

    Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

    But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried.

    However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

    A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

    Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

    Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

    Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

    'Jail!' cried Fred, What in the world for?'

    'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

    [​IMG]

    'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

    'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

    'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
     
  9. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

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    Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.



    A bus load of Democrat politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'were they all dead?' The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those bastards lie.'
     
  10. rottiman

    rottiman

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    A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.

    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.


    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

    What makes you think you can stereo type Norwegian blonde women that way?

    What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

    It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people.

    Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!

    You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells:

    "You stay out of this! .........I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap."
     
  11. yooperdave

    yooperdave

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  12. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

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    To fix the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, they dropped a wedding band on it, and it quit putting out right away!
     
  13. wildwest

    wildwest Moderator

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    A young guy from Wyoming moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
    The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?”
    The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Wyoming ."Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.”
    His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. "How many customers bought something from you today?”
    The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One”.
    The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in Wyoming, but you're not on the farm anymore, son.”
    The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for the kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65”.
    The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?!? What the hell did you sell him?”
    The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.”
    The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?
    The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'
     
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  14. yooperdave

    yooperdave

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    :picard:

    :rofl: :lol::rofl: :lol::D

    :picard:
     
  15. wildwest

    wildwest Moderator

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    This thread is still fun all these years later.
     
  16. JWinIndiana

    JWinIndiana

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    A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

    looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked

    what she'd like to have for her birthday.

    'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

    On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of

    Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He

    put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the

    Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

    Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
    and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he

    ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

    Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
    M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

    Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

    He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what

    was it like being eight again?

    Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

    'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! goober!!!!'

    The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
    wrong.
     
  17. CoachSchaller

    CoachSchaller

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    That was great
     
  18. XXL

    XXL

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    Some Fun

    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
    The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall
    and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in
    the world?

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three
    feet by four feet?

    5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
    summer.
    How is this possible?

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
    Why not?

    8. What was the President's Name...in 1975?

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
    what place would you be in now?

    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or
    "The yolk of the egg is white"?

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
    other field,
    how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

    Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)


    1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
    The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

    Answer: Johnny, of course.

    2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
    tall, and
    he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

    Answer: Meat.

    3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in
    the world?

    Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very
    good at this are you?]

    4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet
    by four feet?

    Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

    5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

    Answer: Incorrectly

    6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
    summer. How is this possible?

    Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

    7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
    Why not?

    Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to
    take pictures.

    8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

    Answer: Same as is it now – Joe Biden [Oh, come on ..]

    9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
    what place would you be in now?

    Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second
    place, not first.

    10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The
    yolk of the egg is white"?

    Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

    11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
    other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
    another field?

    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one
    big one.






    *IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD*


    1) You can't count your hair.

    2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

    3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

    Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.



    *Ten (10) Things I know about you.*

    1) You are reading this.

    2) You are human.

    3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

    4) You just attempted to do it.

    6) You are laughing at yourself.

    7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

    8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

    9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
    it too.

    10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.
     
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  19. AZJustin

    AZJustin

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    True story!

    Flight delayed multiple times out of John Wayne in So Cal because of high winds. Finally we get on the plane and take off in one hell of a crosswind, pilot was fighting everything the entire time.
    **Ladies and gentlemen don't worry, the pilot was just waving goodbye to all the other planes waiting to take off!**

    Hard turbulence all the way into AZ. Nothing crazy, but it was warned to not walk around, all in flight services were cancelled. Bathroom breaks were discouraged multiple times.

    We come into Tucson dead center in a Monsoon storm. The plane was trounced from the beginning of the descent, crying and praying all around. I'm a hardened airplane veteran since 4 years old and that landing had me on edge.
    **Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts! We will land, but, well, fasten your seatbelts!**
    Lots of running through the cabin, checks and rechecks.
    Less then 200' from landing and BOOOOOMM with a blinding flash from the right side of the plane. LOTS of screaming and more praying, plenty of vomiting (probably without the bags).
    Pilot then goes full throttle and we are heading towards the moon shoved back in the seats.
    **Ladies and gentlemen, if you were awake enough to see the bright light out of the right side of the plane, we were struck by lightning. For the people with their eyes closed, we were struck by lightning. The pilot is currently (clearing throat) *redirecting* us to Phoenix where we will depart this plane and hopefully get another. Gates to be announced**.

    We are landing in Phoenix.
    **Ladies and gentlemen. Once we depart the plane, the nearest smoking area is immediately left of our arriving gate, smoke em if you got em. Everyone else, please take a seat and pay attention to the announcements**
    Sure as shirt, hard and bouncy landing in Phoenix.
    Mic cues, hard breathing for a couple of seconds.... **La..Ladies and..PLEHFHD... flight 463 has landed**

    We get off and sure as stuff, the entire right side of the plane just before the wing was black and charred. Scary black and charred.

    Slept in the terminal for a couple of hours and they sent another plane with an uneventful ride back to Tucson. Must have had the same flight attendant when we landed:
    **Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for the wonderful flight, we have finally arrived in Tucson! Thank you for flying the unfriendly skies with us. SIGH**.

    What a ride that was. Kept going after that but I won't bore anyone with the details.
     
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  20. XXL

    XXL

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    During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired George about his physical activity level. George said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

    "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."


    Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

    "No," George replied, "I'm just a really, really terrible golfer".
     
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