A bit of humor!

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf.
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas
morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly
to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority - figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are
on the golf course.

The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a
fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her
eyes off of."

The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home
planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in
brochures."

The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such
expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said,
'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning - golf course or
intercourse?" She said, "Don't forget your hat."

 

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? .... the old bastard had a paper route!"

 

Aldi's a Big Supermarket


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says To Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell.I guess I'd better see a doctor."

Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.

Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.

A lot cheaper than a doctor.

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi's.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer
could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits
the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2.Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4.Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5.If you don't stop playing with yourself, Your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

 

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up.

Fred didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!

Fred was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Fred, What in the world for?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'



'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

What makes you think you can stereo type Norwegian blonde women that way?

What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people.

Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb!

You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically, all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, and the blonde yells:

"You stay out of this! .........I'm talking to that little bastard on your lap."

 

Nuff said.

 

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was

looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked

what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of

Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He

put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the

Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he

ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy,
M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what

was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you f@*#*! goober!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong.

 

That was great

 

Some Fun

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall
and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in
the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole... that measures two feet by three
feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language... is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer.
How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?

8. What was the President's Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or
"The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field,
how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in a third field?

Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches
tall, and
he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in
the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very
good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet
by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the
summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?

Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to
take pictures.

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Joe Biden [Oh, come on ..]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place,
what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second
place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The
yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the
other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in
another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one
big one.






*IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD*


1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.



*Ten (10) Things I know about you.*

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does
it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

 

True story!

Flight delayed multiple times out of John Wayne in So Cal because of high winds. Finally we get on the plane and take off in one hell of a crosswind, pilot was fighting everything the entire time.
**Ladies and gentlemen don't worry, the pilot was just waving goodbye to all the other planes waiting to take off!**

Hard turbulence all the way into AZ. Nothing crazy, but it was warned to not walk around, all in flight services were cancelled. Bathroom breaks were discouraged multiple times.

We come into Tucson dead center in a Monsoon storm. The plane was trounced from the beginning of the descent, crying and praying all around. I'm a hardened airplane veteran since 4 years old and that landing had me on edge.
**Ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts! We will land, but, well, fasten your seatbelts!**
Lots of running through the cabin, checks and rechecks.
Less then 200' from landing and BOOOOOMM with a blinding flash from the right side of the plane. LOTS of screaming and more praying, plenty of vomiting (probably without the bags).
Pilot then goes full throttle and we are heading towards the moon shoved back in the seats.
**Ladies and gentlemen, if you were awake enough to see the bright light out of the right side of the plane, we were struck by lightning. For the people with their eyes closed, we were struck by lightning. The pilot is currently (clearing throat) *redirecting* us to Phoenix where we will depart this plane and hopefully get another. Gates to be announced**.

We are landing in Phoenix.
**Ladies and gentlemen. Once we depart the plane, the nearest smoking area is immediately left of our arriving gate, smoke em if you got em. Everyone else, please take a seat and pay attention to the announcements**
Sure as shirt, hard and bouncy landing in Phoenix.
Mic cues, hard breathing for a couple of seconds.... **La..Ladies and..PLEHFHD... flight 463 has landed**

We get off and sure as stuff, the entire right side of the plane just before the wing was black and charred. Scary black and charred.

Slept in the terminal for a couple of hours and they sent another plane with an uneventful ride back to Tucson. Must have had the same flight attendant when we landed:
**Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for the wonderful flight, we have finally arrived in Tucson! Thank you for flying the unfriendly skies with us. SIGH**.

What a ride that was. Kept going after that but I won't bore anyone with the details.

 

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired George about his physical activity level. George said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine."


Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," George replied, "I'm just a really, really terrible golfer".