BLOND LOGIC Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away; Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says “Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????” CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is dling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" RIVER WALK There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young blonde goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The blonde took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "Your finger is broken." KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!" BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land! on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ABOUT DOGS A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HELLLOOOOOOO......,! " answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" Nice redneck shelving.
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter!" A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock · Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. · Saudi Arabia is sending oil. · Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. · The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. When the pastor says, I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." The choir is known as the "OK Chorale". In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. Baptism is referred to as "branding". High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue. The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy. Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Pink Tickle". "Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear!"
Computer virus problems The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction. The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen. The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive ; with NO memory The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files Ever wonder why 1. 1. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 2. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny? 7. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 8. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 15. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 16. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 19. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 20. Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway? 21. Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 22. Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? 23. Why you don't ever see the headline: "Psychic Wins Lottery"? 24. Why "abbreviated" is such a long word? 25. Why Doctors call what they do "practice"? 26. Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? 27. Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? 28. Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"? 29. Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food? 30. Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavour? 31. Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? 32. Why they sterilise the needle for lethal injections? 33. Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box? 34. Why sheep don't shrink when it rains? 35. Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? 36. If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 37. Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? 38. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE 39. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 40. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans? 41. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it? 42. There are three religious truths: a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith. c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters. 43. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 44. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 45. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist? 46. If mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? 47. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Let's try to keep this thread somewhat family friendly eh? I like my jokes just a little on the dirty side myself but we've been toeing the line in this thread for some time now.
We're all just having a good time here for sure Dennis. Nobody has done anything horribly wrong. We just have to set limits on what's considered appropriate for public forum and what is going to make folks squirm or take away from the thread. I hope nobody here takes personal offense if something you posted in this thread gets edited or deleted. I know I don't hold it against anyone personally and the other mods share that sentiment as well. In fact, I'm usually laughing my arse off at the joke/pic/vid but some stuff is just too hot for TV ya know?
In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping". (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. " (The shoplifter special?) On a bar of Palmolive soap: Directions: Use like regular soap". (And that would be how???) On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost". (But, it's just a suggestion). On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): Do not turn upside down". (Well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". (And you thought????...) On packaging for a K-Mart iron: Do not iron clothes on body". (But wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness". (And...I'm taking this because???) On most brands of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only". (As opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: not to be used for the other use". (Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Nobby's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts". (Talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts". (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Some people were in a Bar & Grill eating lunch and watching the Lions play on TV. They were all interested when a blind man with a german shepherd guide dog came and sat at the table next to them. After a few minutes the Lions scored a touchdown...that's when things got wierd! The dog jumped up from where he was laying, did a few laps around the table barking loudly, then did a final flip, before laying down again near the blind man. A few minutes later the Lions recovered a fumble, which the Lions quickly turned into a field goal. Again, the dog jumped up, ran around the table and did a flip. We could barely believe our eyes. Finally someone could stand it no longer. They politely interrupted the blind man's meal to commend him on his strange dog. Then asked, "What does the dog do if the Lions win?" The blind man replied, "I'm not sure, I've only had him 5 years!"
IRISH BOY IN CONFESSION "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Timmy Shaughnessy?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And, who was the woman you were with?" "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Timmy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me! now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "I cannot say." "Was it Patricia Kelly?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Sheilah O'Brien?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Kathleen Morgan?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona Grogan, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Timmy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church mass for three months. Be off with you now." Timmy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads!” At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." It's the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE: Internal Revenue Service Postal Service Telephone Service Civil Service City & County Public Service Customer Service Service Stations Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us. I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. But little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer and takes off all his clothes in front of women and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some woman and make love with her for money." The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He plays football for the Detroit Lions, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids." Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A bum comes walking by and asked what they were doing. One fellow says, “We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don’t have a ladder. Do you know how high it is?” The bum asks if they have a tape measurer. They did. He then asked to use their Leatherman tool and the tape measurer. Then he took the tool, loosened some bolts and took the flagpole down. He measured it and told them it was 18’6” in height. With that, the bum walked away. One student says to the other, “No wonder that guy is a bum. We want to know how high that pole is and he gives us the length of it instead.” One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The plaque was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked. "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service." Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service was it, the 9:00 or the 11:00?"
A lady's good intentions This weight that I'm gaining has just got to stop! My stomach and rear stick out more than my top. What used to be high just sinks lower each day, And I'll never admit to how much I now weigh. I once heard a rumor - the rumor was that Some men in this world prefer women fat. Yet that is not true of the men that I know. I once had a dozen - but where did they go? They're looking for women so puny and frail, They might blow away at a sudden small gale. My sad situation has me so depressed, I must be more careful of what I ingest. I'll start in the morning to watch my intake. But today I am hungry - so please pass the cake. Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners 1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home. DINING OUT 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. DATING (Outside the Family) 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back sodas. 5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. All redneck stuff. Mexican recliners; Redneck Thanksgiving; Redneck atv and Redneck grilling.
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention." The teacher told little Johnny that he couldn’t sleep in her class. He said, “I could if you’d just lower your voice a little bit.” That ticked her off so she said to Johnny, “Tell me the longest sentence you can think of.” He immediately said, “Life in prison.” A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch all the fish?" Redneck motor home. Redneck party van and redneck pickup. Redneck snow plow.
I was texting with my older father just now. I mentioned "stuffy ears, no pop in a couple days" His response "drink more water, eat plums and buy stool softner" Oh how I love him!
