We need a chuckle thread. I'll start: IF YOU MARRY A MAINE WOMAN..... Three friends married women from different parts of the country. The 1st man married a woman from Indiana. he told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days but the 3rd day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away. The 2nd man married a woman from Alabama. He gave his wife orders to do all the cleaning, wash the dishes, and prepare gourmet meals. The 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the 3rd day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table. The 3rd man married a girl from Maine. He ordered her to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the lawn mowed, the laundry washed and ironed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything, but by the 3rd day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.........
My daughter said the teacher in class was giving kids a particular word to use in a sentence. A boy in her class had to use the word "gentle". He thinks fo a half minute and said " I will be gentle when I give out my next wedgie"
I was in the gas station last night behind a somewhat drunk woman. The clerk asked her about her wide selection of batteries she was purchasing(at top dollar at a gas station). She said she couldn't tell him. after a bit she proceeded to explain she had been drinking at a "girlie toy" party. Soon she realized she had just explained the battery purchase to everyone. She grabbed her stuff, headed for the door without her change, and turned back to say "they are not for that!". Yeah right.
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.' THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
An Indiana farmer passes away and unfortunately, his soul was sent to hell. Lucifer himself noticed the man did not seem to mind the sweltering temperatures and humidity as he toiled. Annoyed by this, he asked the man why he didn't seem to mind the heat. "Not much worse than July!" The farmer replied. Annoyed by this, the devil cranked the flames of hell to their maximum fury. The farmer was sweating profusely but still carrying out his work. "'Bout like August I'd say!" He shouted. Enraged, Satan growled, "I'll show him!" And extinguished the flames turning Hell into an icy frozen wasteland. The farmer began dancing and shouting with joy and the devil, eyes flaming with rage, roared "WHY?! Why do you rejoice so in the face of such misery?!" "Purdue is going to the Rose Bowl!" Screamed the farmer. (Now how many Hoosiers just spit their coffee/beer all over? )
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket. When she went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?' She replied, 'A can of peaches.' The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that there were six. The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.' Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood up, and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, 'What is it?' The husband said, ‘She also stole a can of peas.’
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.' The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.' The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.' The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Mechanics. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.' But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the a***hole - and they are interchangeable'
A few quotes Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' - Eleanor Roosevelt Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP . - Joe Namath I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.. - W. C. Fields We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.. - Phyllis Diller By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets and all sorts of things. The grandad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, now easy William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and she hears the grandad calmly say : "It's okay now William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart. Grandad says again in a controlled voice : "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, be calm now William." Very impressed, she goes outside to where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says : "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad." "Thanks," says the grandpa. "But I am William. The little bastard's name is Kevin."
British humor is different These are classified ads which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites! _______________________________________ FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel , 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ________________________________________________ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. __________________________________________________ _____ COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. __________________________________________________ ______ JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer �100. __________________________________________________ ___________ WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie . __________________________________________________ _________ And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica , 45 volumes. Excellent condition, �200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. (Statement of the Century) __________________________________________________ _________ Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker -- Billy Connolly . "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He check the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a Winchester 30-06 "What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously. The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but you're gonna lose one on takeoff."
