Your best dad jokes...

-In fact, if you sneer at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.

-Who were the greenest Presidents in US history? The bushes.

-My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.

 

So we need a thread for Dads who have older kiddos.....

Kid to teacher: you're teaching me to write cursive, Dad taught me to speak cursive. (SCA Jr in 3rd grade) (I've repented since)

What's worn under a kilt? Nothing is worn, everything is in perfectly good condition!

For the youngers:
How do ya make a strawberry shake? A: take it to a scary movie.

From Years of Boy's Life, to Years of 80's Easy Riders....

 

Because it's Turkey day....

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?

The outside.

 

-What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

-If I ever find the doctor who screwed up my limb replacement surgery…I’ll kill him with my bear hands.

-Did you know that the first french fries weren’t cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

 

Im gonna use that French fry one!

 

Country Woman goes to her doctor after birth control.
The doctor prescribes a 10# bucket of lard from the local butcher, with instructions for her to put her feet in the bucket at bed time every night.
Puzzled she heads to the butcher,

A few weeks later she see's the doctor again and says that his method did not work, and lo, she is indeed pregnant.

The doc asks if she followed his instructions, to which she replies yes with one exception, the butcher didn't have any 10# buckets of lard, so she went home with 2 5# buckets.

 

I was so embarrassed when i opened the fridge last night.

I saw the salad dressing

 

How do you tell the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs

 

Dad: Does your face hurt?

Kid: No

Dad: Well it's killing me..

 

I think that one would be better used on an ornery MIL

 

My kids asked me for a dad joke once….

told them to go look in the mirror.

 

What did the sock say to the T shirt while in washer? meet me at the clothesline, that's where i hang out!

What did one strawberry say to the other? You're the one that got us in this jam!

Where does Frosty keep his extra money? in a snow bank!

Why did the pig go to college? to loin something!

 

-This morning, Siri said, “Don’t call me Shirley.” I accidentally left my phone in Airplane mode.

-It's easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but harder to deter gents.

-I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

 

If you were stranded on a desert island how would you survive? Id eat the sand which is there!

Why would a dog walking on the beach remind you of Christmas? he would have sandy claws.

 

In a different thread, I was publicly coerced, and forced to add to this thread.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?


Mistletoe.

 

Did you hear about the new gold tic-tacs? They cost a mint!

BO

 

Never get on an airplane who's pilot has taken a crash course in flying!


BO

 

Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.