Thought for the day...

If you look like the photograph in your driver’s license, you shouldn’t drive.

Confidence: That feeling you have before you really understand the problem.

Sometimes a conclusion is just the place where people get tired of thinking.

Lottery: A tax on fools that are no good at math.

 

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Programming computers is a race between programmers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.

Outside a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside a dog, it’s too dark to read. Groucho Marx

They say we’re here on earth to do good to others. I have no idea what others are put here for.

 

They say a mockingbird can change its tune eighty seven times in seven minutes. They must be the envy of every politician.


Maybe commercials are God’s way of punishing people for watching TV.


At any moment, about one third of the people in the world are sleeping. The other two thirds are awake and creating problems. Admiral Rickover


The problem with stress-regulation methods, such as breathing exercises, relaxation technique, bio-feedback etc., is that none of it is as satisfying as beating the hell out of your stressor.

 

Most men stumble over the truth from time to time, but they pick themselves up and hurry away as though nothing had happened. Winston Churchill



Snakes

As you know, all snakes live in a pit; and of course they hiss in their pit and they hiss around their pits. They even go to their neighbors pit to hiss every now and then. And they’ll hiss in their neighbor’s pit and hiss around their neighbor’s pit.

This one family had some neighbors named Pott’s. So they’d go to the Pott’s pit to hiss and they’d hiss in the Pott’s pit and hiss around the Pott’s pit. Of course the Pott’s would come and hiss in their pit too and hiss around their pit. Once, Mrs Snake had some business to do downtown and she was afraid to leave her little snakes hissing around her pit by themselves. So, she said, “Today, while I go shopping, I want you to go over to the Pott’s pit to hiss.” She said, “Go over and hiss in the Pott’s pit and hiss around the Pott’s pit. I’m afraid to leave you at home hissing around in our pit while I’m gone.”

So she left and they crawled over to the Pott’s pit, and hissed in the Pott’s pit and hissed around the Pott’s pit. Pretty soon, Mrs Pott’s came out and said, “How come you’re over her hissing in out pit? Why aren’t you home hissing in your own pit?” They said their mother said she didn’t want us hissing in our own pit while she’s gone. So she told us to go to the Pott’s pit to hiss and here we are. So she said, “Go home and hiss in your own pit. I don’t want you hissing in my pit.”

So they crawled home and their mother was there. She said, “I thought I sent you to the Pott’s pit to hiss. How come you’re home hissing in my pit and hissing around my pit?” They said, “Mrs Pott’s came out and told us she didn’t want us hissing in her pit.” And Mrs Snake said, “Well, the nerve of that Mrs Pott’s. She thinks they are so great, why, I knew them Pott’s when they didn’t have a pit to hiss in.”

 

I’m Alive

Just a note to say I’m living, that I’m not among the dead
Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head.
I got used to arthritis and to my dentures I’m resigned
I can manage my trifocals, but gosh I miss my mind.

For sometimes I just can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair.
If I must go up for something or have I just came down from there?
And before the fridge so often my poor mind is filled with doubt
Have I just put food away or have I come to take some out?

So if it’s my turn to write you there’s no need for getting sore
I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.
Just remember that I love you and I wish that you were near.
Now it’s nearly mail time so I must say good-by, my dear.
Here I stand beside the mailbox with a face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter I have opened it instead.

 

Why do they say, “She’s expecting?” It seems more like she is certain of it.

Why do they call it “Instant Credit?” Don’t they mean Instant Debt?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

 

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

 

If you try to fail, and succeed, which one have you done?


Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?


Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?


Then there was a hippie who wanted to get rid of his girlfriend. He gave her a half dose of LSD and sent her on a one-way trip.

 

Did you hear about the guy who thought logarithm was a type of birth control for a north woods couple?

One girl says, “I don’t understand why those Russians are so un-cooperative. Give me a couple of Vodkas and I’ll agree to anything.

Squeezing blackheads may be okay, but give me a redhead any day.

 

A girl was asked, “Do you ever wrestle with boys in the back seat?” She said, “Only when they try to get out.”

What’s this crap about women not being paid enough? They’ve been getting men’s wages for years and years.

Confucius say: “Better to lose your linen in the Laundromat and come out short-sheeted, than to lose your last dime in the pay toilet and come out sheet-shorted.

 

A woman and her son was talking when he told her he was voted in as the new Vice President of his club.
And she asked, “Just what particular vice are you president of?”

Does non-fat dry milk come from an underfed cow during her off season?

It’s extemely difficult when you go to the doctor because of constipation and he tells you to take a strong laxative and stay in bed all day.