Thought for the day...

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

If you think there’s good in everybody, then there’s a lot of folks you haven’t met yet.

Buying quality used cars is a little like buying oats. If you want nice, clean, fresh oats, you must pay a fair price. However, if you can be satisfied with oats that have already been run through a horse, they come much cheaper.

 

Boy: Dad, I’ve decided to get married.
Dad: Wonderful. Do you have a girl in mind?

Son: Yes, it’s Grandma! She told me she loves me and I love her too. Besides, she is a great cook and also tells good stories.
Dad: Son, that is wonderful. However, we have a small problem. She just happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother?

Son: Why not? You married mine!



Everyone can give pleasure is some way. For example, one person may do it by entering a room while another may give it by leaving. The same can be said about speaking.

 

Those who agree with us may not be right, but we still admire their intelligence.


Perhaps they are right that “clothes makes the man.” Naked people have no influence on society.

 

Do you really think that nature made prunes more healthful than strawberries?


Asking the government to fight inflation is like asking the Mafia to fight crime.


Hi diddle diddle, I’m watching my middle
And hoping to whittle it soon.
But eating’s so much fun, that it may not get done,
Till my dish runs away with my spoon.


Politician: A person who can make waves and then make you think he is the only one who can save the ship.

 

Some booze was spilled on the bar room floor
And the place was closed for the night.
A mouse crept in through a hole in the door,
And sat in the pale moon light.
It lapped up the booze it found on the floor;
Then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long you could hear him roar,
“Bring on your #%*@#**(! cat!”


Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are an honest person is like expecting a bull not to charge because a person is a vegetarian.


Life is difficult. It’s even harder for stupid people.

 

Greatness is denied to the stupid.


Politicians and diapers should be changed often; for the same reasons.


If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.


Why don’t they make mouse flavored cat food?

 

No one is ever too old to learn, but most put it off anyway.

Opportunity has to knock. But all temptation has to do is stand outside and whistle.

Lots of people love their cordless phones; I just happen to enjoy phoneless cords.

 

What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be a completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.

I once knew a parsley farmer that was sued; they garnished his wages.

Did you hear about the sick fisherman who traded a seabird for a sausage? Yep, he took a tern for the wurst!

 

How about the guy who refused Novocain at the dentist office. He wanted to transcend dental medication.

What if birds were tickled by feathers? Would they laugh?

If you stomp gripes, do you get whine?

 

NASA is going to send some cows up in the next shuttle to study the effects of zero gravity on milk production. It will become known as the herd that was shot around the world.

The two most abundant elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.