Thought for the day...

I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks…
It cost me an arm and a leg.


The main function of your big toe is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in the right place.

Horses have lower divorce rates. It’s because they are in stable relationships.

 

It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car I will get tired but if I run behind a car will I get exhausted.

My teachers told me I’d never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them you just wait.

90 % of bald people still own a comb; they just can’t part with it.

 

Every morning I get hit by the same bicycle… it’s a vicious cycle.

The word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary.

I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer. People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.

 

The other day I yelled into a colander and I strained my voice.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?... A receding hare line.

Always trust nudists… they have nothing to hide.

 

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


Warning Signs that You are Broke:

You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking several deep breaths outside your favorite restaurant.

You’ve rolled so many pennies you’re formed a psychic bond with Abraham Lincoln.

Long distance companies quit calling to get you to switch.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

You rob Peter and then turn around and rob Paul too.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

You give blood every day, just for the orange juice and cookie.

McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it.”

You beg for rides in other people's fishing boats cause you can't afford 2 stroke oil.

You steal mom and dad's pop cans from the garage on your way out the door.

 

What does God look line?

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came to one little boy who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. He replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat or looking up from his drawing, the boy said, “They will in a minute.”


This also reminds me of the boy who told his mother that he now knows the name of God. He said God’s name was Andy. His mother asked him how he knew that. “Well,” he said, “Last Sunday we were all singing a hymn in Sunday School and it was, ‘Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me...”’

 

The teacher said, “Johnny, use the words bitter end in a sentence.” Johnny thought for a moment and then replied, “My dog chased the neighbor’s cat and bit ‘er end!”



A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. Wanting to see how they farm over there he went to a farm and stuck up a conversation. The Aussie shows him his biggest wheat field, but the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice this size.” They walked over and up a hill and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns in Texas that are at least twice the size of these.” So they started walking back and the conversation had died. Suddenly the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. He asks, “What is Sam hill are those things?” The Aussie gave him an incredulous look and replies, “Oh! Don’t you have grasshoppers in Texas?”

 

Just a note to say I’m living and that I’m not among the dead.
Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in my head.
I got used to arthritis and to my dentures I’m resigned.
I can manage my trifocals, but gee, I miss my mind.

For sometimes I just can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair.
If I must go up for something, or have I just came down from there!
And before the fridge so often my poor mind is filled with doubt.
Have I just put food away, or have I come to take some out?

So if it’s my turn to write you, there’s no need for getting sore.
I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.
Just remember that we care for you and wish that you were near.
Now it’s nearly mail time so I must say good-by, my dear.

Now here I stand beside the mailbox, with a face so very red.
Instead of mailing you this letter, I opened the dammed thing instead.

 

Winning isn’t everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it ... that’s everything!


Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

 

Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don’t have to do it?

Two people get married and later the wife decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.” The artist says, “But you aren’t wearing any of that jewelry.” “I know,” she said. “It’s in case I die before my husband does. I’m sure he will remarry right away and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for all the jewelry.”

 

Why are parents so impatient for a child to take his first steps and to speak his first words? They then spend the next 18 years telling the kid to shut up and sit down.

I read an article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Hell, that’s my idea of a good day!