Thought for the day...

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

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And last:


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

Children raised like that will end up respecting nothing and nobody.

 

My advice to the Newlywed? While you're young, use your head!

Have a baby. Have a few!
I don't mean one or even two.
What about four or how about eight?
Making babies is really great!

Don't worry about braces, or college, or clothes.
Their every need God already knows.
Then when you're old and in time of need, with no more clamoring mouths to feed.
Look to your children that you (and God) made, to be your joy, comfort, and aid.

Your babies today are your greatest treasure.
You will receive in the amount you measure.
God's greatest gift to husband and wife?
A newborn baby. An eternal life!

 

Someone asked a notorious bank robber why he robbed so many banks. He simply stated, “That’s where the money is.”

The easiest way to cure seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bee is much faster than a John Deere.

 

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.


Meanness don’t just happen overnight.


Never corner something that is meaner than you.


You can never unsay a cruel word.

 

Every path has a few puddles.


Always drink upsteam from the herd.


Letting the cat out of the bag is much easier than putting it back.


Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

 

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! When the door of happiness closes, another opens; but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one, which has been opened for us.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. Don't count the years. Count the memories.

 

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pizzing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!