Thought for the day...

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!" Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, "For the love of God! You should see the back of mine!"



Ignoring the facts does not change the facts.


Football: This is where you watch the figures on sweaters instead of in them.


Heredity: Something you believe in when your child’s report card shows A’s.

 

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.


Lieutenant Commander: A lieutenant’s wife.


Maternity ward: The only place in the world where there isn’t a chance of evading the issue.


Egotist: A person who is always letting off esteem.


Your childhood was quite a few years ago if you think of black-boards as black and Christmas trees as green.

 

At Christmas time, the kids hand up their stockings. Following Christmas it is a full year before they hang anything else up.


The difference between a junior and senior executive is about 40 pounds.


The older a person gets the harder it is to make ends meet; the fingers and toes especially.


Back in the late 50’s people thought it a puzzling matter when they considered the speculation as to whether Stan Musial was too old to run at 38 but John Kennedy was too young to run at 42.


Social drinking is a lot like spelling Mississippi. It’s mostly a matter of knowing when to stop.


If a woman suffers in silence, it probably means her phone is not working.

 

Least Likely to Succeed

The 12 members of the admissions committee at St. Paul’s School in Concord NH dutifully pored over the boy’s record. One Spencer C. Thompson, 13, wanted to enter the third form (first year high) next fall from St. James School in Maryland. His grades: English 95; History 85; Math 50; Latin 30. In a class of 14, the record showed that he ranked 12th.

“Spencer is rather delicate,” wrote his headmaster, “Owing to a severe pulmonary illness two years ago but he seems to have recovered satisfactorily. He is too small to be effective in contact sports, but he greatly enjoys riding and swimming. The boy is certainly no scholar and has repeated his class twice. He does well in English, however, and possesses an excellent memory. In fact, he won the school prize for reciting poetry last year. He has also, I regret to say, a stubborn streak, and is sometimes rebellious in minor matters, although he usually conforms. He is at once backward and precocious, reading books beyond his years and yet ranking at the bottom of his class. He has, I believe, a native shrewdness and is a manly little fellow, high spirited and well liked, who unfortunately has not made the most of his opportunities here. I can recommend him to you on the grounds of general ability.”

Spencer’s other mentors were less kind. A special English teacher thought him “rather stubborn.” His Latin teacher found him “most difficult to teach. He seems to have little or no understanding of the subject except in the most mechanical way. At times he seems almost perverse in his inability to learn. I suspect that he has received help from other boys in his prepared work.”

All 12 on the St. Paul’s committee voted not to admit Spencer Thompson. Only then did William A. Oats, director of admissions, reveal the truth: Spencer C. Thompson was really Winston Spencer Churchill. The record which the St. Paul’s admissions committee had read consisted largely of verbatim transcripts of Churchill’s first years at Harrow. “We do this once in a while,” said Oats. “Inescapably, we must deal with the record. After some time you think you know what you’re doing. But we do get caught.”

 

Fable: DON'T ARGUE WITH DONKEYS
The donkey said to the tiger:
- "The grass is blue".
The tiger replied:
- "No, the grass is green."
The discussion heated up, and the two decided to submit him to arbitration, and for this they went before the lion, the King of the Jungle.
Already before reaching the forest clearing, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout:
- "His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?".
The lion replied:
- "True, the grass is blue."
The donkey hurried and continued:
- "The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him."
The king then declared:
- "The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence."
The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating:
- "The Grass Is Blue"...
The tiger accepted his punishment, but before he asked the lion:
- "Your Majesty, why have you punished me?, after all, the grass is green."
The lion replied:
- "In fact, the grass is green."
The tiger asked:
- "So why are you punishing me?".
The lion replied:
- "That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green.
The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that come and bother me with that question."
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don't make sense...
There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not.
When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quietness are worth more.

 

There will be a few more of these in the next couple of days.


How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

 

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he

doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you kidding me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Making a baby.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new

attorney?

 

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

___________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition

notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.