Irreverent but clean jokes, let's hear them.

2 guys walked into a bar… the 3rd one ducked.

 

Little Johnny rushes home from school and invades the refrigerator. He is scooping out some ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play? So he says, “Let’s play Mommy and Daddy.” Trying not to act surprised and to further appease him, she says, “Fine. I’ll play. What should I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down on the bed.” Really wondering what little Johnny is going to do next, but figuring she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs and laid on the bed. Soon, little Johnny swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat and as he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. So he goes over and picks it up and slips it into the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother asks, “What do I do now? In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

 

It was a nice sunny day and a hillbilly and a scientist were riding together on a train. They didn’t know each other, so neither one said anything for a long time. Finally the scientist became bored, looked at the hillbilly and asked, “Do you want to play a game?” The hillbilly was shy and simply looked toward the scientist and looked away again. This annoyed the scientist, so he repeated himself, “Do you want to play a game? I’ll ask you a question. If you don’t know the answer, you give me five dollars. Then you get to ask me a question. If I don’t know the answer then I’ll give you five dollars.”

The hillbilly knew he didn’t stand a chance against the scientist, so he declined. Then the scientist said, “Okay, if I don’t know the answer to your question, then I’ll give you fifty dollars.” The hillbilly may not have had a lot of academic knowledge, but even he couldn’t pass up those odds. So the scientist then said, “I’ll go first. What’s the exact distance between the earth and the moon?” The hillbilly had no idea, so he didn’t even attempt an answer and simply handed over a five dollar bill. Then the hillbilly asked the scientist, “What goes up a mountain on three legs and comes down on four?”

The scientist looked puzzled. He started pondering this question with no results. He pulled out some paper and his calculator, worked out some calculations and finally had to admit that he didn’t know the answer. Reluctantly, he pulled out a fifty dollar bill and handed it to the hillbilly. Just then the train stopped and the hillbilly got up to leave. The scientist yelled, “Wait! You can’t leave me like this. What is the answer?” The hillbilly sighed, reached into his pocket and hands the scientist a five dollar bill.