In loving memory of Kenis D. Keathley 6/4/81 - 3/27/22 Loving father, husband, brother, friend and firewood hoarder Rest in peace, Dexterday

Irreverent but clean jokes, let's hear them.

Discussion in 'Everything Else (off topic)' started by Greenstick, Feb 19, 2022.

  1. Stihl Kicking

    Stihl Kicking

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2021
    Messages:
    892
    Likes Received:
    5,642
    Location:
    Missouri
    We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
     
    Screwloose, Chaz, wildwest and 6 others like this.
  2. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    45,766
    Likes Received:
    286,862
    Location:
    Central MI
    Warning Signs that You are Broke

    You’re formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

    Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking several deep breaths outside your favorite restaurant.

    You’ve rolled so many pennies you’re formed a psychic bond with Abraham Lincoln.

    Long distance companies quit calling to get you to switch.

    You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

    You rob Peter and then turn around and rob Paul too.

    You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

    You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

    You give blood every day, just for the orange juice and cookie.

    McDonald’s supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

    American Express calls and says, “Leave home without it.”

    You beg for rides in other people's fishing boats cause you can't afford 2 stroke oil.

    You steal mom and dad's pop cans from the garage on your way out the door.
     
    Screwloose, Earl764, Chaz and 5 others like this.
  3. The Axeman Commeth

    The Axeman Commeth

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2022
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    447
    Location:
    Fridley MN
    Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
    A: Because they taste funny.
     
    MasterMech, Screwloose, Chaz and 10 others like this.
  4. metalcuttr

    metalcuttr

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2018
    Messages:
    3,351
    Likes Received:
    24,039
    Location:
    western WA
    Hear about the cannibal who passed his brother on the path?
     
    Screwloose, Chaz, M2theB and 4 others like this.
  5. metalcuttr

    metalcuttr

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2018
    Messages:
    3,351
    Likes Received:
    24,039
    Location:
    western WA
    Or the cannibals who didn't eat the missionary because they were having a boiled dinner and he was a Friar?
     
    Screwloose, Chaz, M2theB and 4 others like this.
  6. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    45,766
    Likes Received:
    286,862
    Location:
    Central MI
    A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she came to one little boy who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. He replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat or looking up from his drawing, the boy said, “They will in a minute.”
     
  7. Biddleman

    Biddleman

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2019
    Messages:
    2,817
    Likes Received:
    21,799
    Location:
    River Hills of Pennsylvania
    Did you know being a grave digger is one of the few jobs you start at the top and work your way down?
     
    T.Jeff Veal, Screwloose, Chaz and 8 others like this.
  8. Stihl Kicking

    Stihl Kicking

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2021
    Messages:
    892
    Likes Received:
    5,642
    Location:
    Missouri
    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity and I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

    PMS jokes aren't funny … period.
     
    T.Jeff Veal, Screwloose, Chaz and 6 others like this.
  9. ammoaddict

    ammoaddict

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2021
    Messages:
    604
    Likes Received:
    3,651
    Location:
    Granite Falls, NC
    What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

    The taste



    Sent from my moto g(7) power using Tapatalk
     
  10. ammoaddict

    ammoaddict

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2021
    Messages:
    604
    Likes Received:
    3,651
    Location:
    Granite Falls, NC
    What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

    Outlaws are wanted.



    Sent from my moto g(7) power using Tapatalk
     
  11. ammoaddict

    ammoaddict

    Joined:
    Dec 21, 2021
    Messages:
    604
    Likes Received:
    3,651
    Location:
    Granite Falls, NC
    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.



    Sent from my moto g(7) power using Tapatalk
     
  12. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    45,766
    Likes Received:
    286,862
    Location:
    Central MI
    The teacher said, “Johnny, use the words bitter end in a sentence.” Johnny thought for a moment and then replied, “My dog chased the neighbor’s cat and bit ‘er end!”
     
  13. Smaug

    Smaug

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2020
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    1,918
    Location:
    Lake Toxaway, NC
    Why didn't the koala bear get the job he applied for?

    They said he wasn't Koala-fied.
     
    Screwloose, Camber, Chaz and 6 others like this.
  14. Smaug

    Smaug

    Joined:
    Feb 24, 2020
    Messages:
    270
    Likes Received:
    1,918
    Location:
    Lake Toxaway, NC
    Star Wars reference:

    Why don't people eat Wookies?
    They're Chewie.
     
    Screwloose, Camber, Chaz and 5 others like this.
  15. The Axeman Commeth

    The Axeman Commeth

    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2022
    Messages:
    84
    Likes Received:
    447
    Location:
    Fridley MN
    What's the difference between a divorce lawyer and a trampoline?
    You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
     
  16. metalcuttr

    metalcuttr

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2018
    Messages:
    3,351
    Likes Received:
    24,039
    Location:
    western WA
    What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a pallid, stinky, slimy, bewhiskered bottom feeder and the other is a type of fish!
     
  17. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    45,766
    Likes Received:
    286,862
    Location:
    Central MI
    A Texas farmer went to Australia for a vacation. Wanting to see how they farm over there he went to a farm and stuck up a conversation. The Aussie shows him his biggest wheat field, but the Texan says, “Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice this size.” They walked over and up a hill and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, “We have longhorns in Texas that are at least twice the size of these.” So they started walking back and the conversation had died. Suddenly the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping across a field. He asks, “What is Sam hill are those things?” The Aussie gave him an incredulous look and replies, “Oh! Don’t you have grasshoppers in Texas?”
     
  18. ThomH123

    ThomH123

    Joined:
    May 24, 2016
    Messages:
    715
    Likes Received:
    6,408
    Location:
    East Granby
    Why can’ta bicycle stand without leaning on a kickstand? It’s too tired.
     
  19. Knothead

    Knothead

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2015
    Messages:
    1,965
    Likes Received:
    16,245
    Location:
    East Texas
  20. Backwoods Savage

    Backwoods Savage Moderator

    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Messages:
    45,766
    Likes Received:
    286,862
    Location:
    Central MI
    A greater percentage of men have genius level IQs than women. And they still can’t figure out what to get their wives for Christmas.