A bit of humor!

Signs a Redneck Has Been On a Computer

26. There is an NRA mousepad on desk, next to the Bible.
25. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
24. The menus all have Rolling Rock, Black Label, Lone Star, and Old Milwaukee options.
23. Lots of Jeff Foxworthy wav files.
22. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
21. You have to ask your 10 year old kid to read your post.
20. You once saw a nice deer photo and shot your monitor.
19. You use a beer keg as a chair.
18. You cut a hole in your trailer wall so you could have a fancy flat screen.
17. The mouse wasn't fun. so you installed a joy stick with a bud shift knob.
16. Your screen saver switches from a don't tread on me to a velvet Elvis photo.
15. Your best porn site is the family reunion where your first kin cousin flashed the camera.
14. Theres dried up boogers under the front of your monitor- you show all your friends--they are impressed and comment about the colors.
13. You just got windows xp and broke your monitor trying to open the window for some fresh air.
12. Your Phone jack 54-k runs to your neighbors outside phone box.
11. You find whiteout spread across the monitor.
10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted off.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is “Bubba.”
4. There’s a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There’s a SKOAL can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The mouse is referred to as a “critter.”

 

New Medications for Women Only
ST. M O M M A’S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person ... Can we get naked now?..”
B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T (When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.)

 

A drunken man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?” “My son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man,” the priest said. “Well, I’ll be dammed,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?” “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does,” the man said.

 

I'm the type of guy that stops a microwave at the 1 second mark, just to feel like a bomb defuser!