A bit of humor!

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was morefamous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent the plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town. After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead. Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again.He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.




John was getting close to retirement age but because he seemed to be running out of energy he wasn’t so sure he’d make it to the retirement age before collapsing. So one day his wife called the doctor to make an appointment. When John went to the doctor, he was weighed, his heart checked, blood pressure checked, blood work done, etc. They made another appointment for John to go back after all his tests were completed. When the doctor came in, he said, “John, I have good news for you. We thought you were overweight but according to these charts, you are just 5 inches too short!” Then he said, “And according to this printout after your heart check and stress testing, you are in remarkable shape for an 80 year old man.”

John said, “But doctor, I’m only 59 years old!” The doctor said, “John, you definitely are going to have to lose some weight and get more exercise. But you’ll be happy to know that a new pill has just came on the market and it is guaranteed to make you lose at least 20 pounds in a week. Get this prescription filled and take one pill each night before bedtime.”

That night John took his first pill and went to bed. He’d had some wild dreams in the past but nothing like what he was about to experience. He dreamed he was shipwrecked on a South Pacific Island. As he started to walk around, he spotted this beautiful half naked young girl. As John approached her, she started to run. John gave chase and chased her all over the island but couldn’t seem to catch her. When he awoke he found he was breathing hard and sweating profusely. So he got up and took a shower and then it was time to go to work.

That night John took another pill. He experienced the very same dream that night and again awoke breathing hard and sweating. Again he showered and was off to work. This continued for a week and then John went back to the doctor. He was again weighed and his heart checked and his blood pressure checked. Then the doctor walked in and said, “Congratulations John! You have lost 25 pounds this week. You can stop taking the pills and you should be fine.

The next weekend they were visiting with some relatives and John’s Uncle Bob noticed a big change in John and also noticed he had lost a lot of weight. Bob took him aside and asked him what he was doing to lose so much weight and told him he looked great. John told him about this new pill that the doctor prescribed for him and suggested that perhaps he should give it a try.

The next week found Bob in the doctor’s office. They checked his weight and blood pressure. When the doctor came in he said, “Bob, there isn’t much wrong with you except that you need to lose some weight.” Bob said, “Yes doctor, I was talking to my nephew John and he told me about some pills you prescribed for him to lose weight. I’m wondering if I could have some of those pills too?” The doctor said, “Okay Bob. Just take one pill before going to bed at night and come back here next week.”

That night Bob took his first pill and went to bed. He dreamed one of the most terrible dreams he’d ever experienced. He found himself shipwrecked on a South Pacific Island, but unlike John’s dream there was no half naked girl. Instead he saw a group of savages coming at him and they had fire in their eyes. Well old Bob took off running and ran around the island two times before waking up in a terrible sweat and he was breathing very hard. So he got up and took a shower but spent the day just sitting around because he was so tired.

That night Bob took his second pill. As he fell asleep, he once again dreamed that awful dream of the savages giving chase and he was running for his life. This continued every night that week and Bob drug himself into the doctor’s office. They weighed him, checked his blood pressure and then the doctor walked in. The doctor said, “Congratulations Bob. This week you have lost 25 pounds. You should be good now. Just go home and do what you’ve been doing except you should be walking more every day.”

Bob said, “Doctor. I’m wondering why you gave John a much more thorough examination and also, why is is that when you gave John those pills he dreamed of a half naked girl running around on a South Pacific Island after he had shipwrecked. When I took the pills, I too dreamed of shipwrecking on a South Pacific Island, but instead of a half naked girl there were a group of savages that wanted to take my life.” The doctor looked straight at Bob and said, “Bob. Those pills you took were a little different that what John took. You see, John is still employed and has a wonderful insurance plan. But you Sir, are retired and all you have is the government Medicare Plan!”




EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. After a couple more weeks, try 50-lb. potato sacks. Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.




Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no, 'I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' 'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said. He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?

 

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time. One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is. He said, "Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" He said, "I have three questions: First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess. When they resume, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. He said, "Larry." Hillary asks, "And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have five questions,” Larry answered. "First, whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? Second, why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third, whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? Fifth. Where's Kenneth?"




The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. They both have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides. The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance,considers what he could do.

”That was impressive,” said the Pope. “But did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will foreverspeak of this day and rejoice.”

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. 'One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.” So the Pope slapped her.




Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription: 'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff of professional image adjusters sent back the following biographical sketch: Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory . His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

And THAT is how it's done folks!

 

Redneck boy asked his mother the following question: "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure." The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."




A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"




I saw a billboard sign that said: NEED HELP, CALL JESUS 1-800-555-3787 Out of curiosity, I did. A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

 

Gentle Thoughts for Today

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are 'XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt .

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs.'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth AMEN..!!.




A recent survey in Australia asked the following question: Are there too many foreigners in this country now ?

Answers:
18% said: YES
82% said: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنط




If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.


Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

 

Still chuckling over this one. Uraguay. Also some fun stuff that could be names for candy.

 

Or a childs stuffed animal.

 

ITALIAN FIREFIGHTERS

One dark night in The small town of Palisades Park, NJ, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will donate $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Ridgefield, NJ volunteer fire department composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Italian firefighters, passed fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance that was as if they were fighting to save their own lives Within a short time, the Ridgefield old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de fursta tinga we gonnna do isza fixa uppa de brakes on dat damma truck!!"




Kids Are Quick


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!
_______ ___________________________________


TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook
._____________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher




Fred died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased," she said. "I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost ?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand." "No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone." Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!" Helen simply said, "Two and a half carats."




She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked in; She turned and said, ‘’You've got to make love to me this very moment.’’ His eyes lit up and he thought, ‘’This is my lucky day.’’ Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all right there on the kitchen table.Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' And returned to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.’




Recent news from the Detroit Lions camp:

Supposedly someone is buying a half interest in the team. The other half intrest will be displayed by the players on the field.

 

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned at this time.




SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW


"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN SOLDIER!"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business and you are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory advertisement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is only a sign. You may ask, "What kind of business would dare post such a sign?"

Answer: A Funeral Home




A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law. Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the chit out of the lawyer and says, 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'




Press Release: Deadly Earthquake in Mexico

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Mexico last night. It is estimated that nearly two million muslims have been very badly injured and over one million have died. Most of the country is in total ruin and the Government is unable to provide immediate help in rebuilding. Most of the world is in shock.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Most Latin American countries are assisting with general aid.
The European community (except France) are sending food.
The United States, not to be outdone, usually sends troops, but this time is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

 

Laws of Probability...

& Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

& Law of Gravity: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

& Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

& Law of Random Numbers: If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

& Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

& Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

& Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

& Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

& Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

& Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

& Law of the Theater: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

& The Starbucks Law: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

& Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

& Law of Physical Surfaces: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

& Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

& Oliver's Law of Public Speaking: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

& Wilson 's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

& Doctors' Law: If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

& Cell Phone Law: if you drop your cell phone within 5 feet of an open sewage crock its gonna go in.






The Rules of Rural Michigan are as Follows:

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked. The bill is used to keep the sun from hitting your eyes, not for covering the ear.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-94 goes east and west, I-75 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $150,000 corn pickers and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Michigan waves. We think of it as being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat taters & gravy, beans & cornbread. We fry our fish after catching 'em. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the 15th of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats (includes fish), vegetables, and breads. We use four spices: salt, pepper, hot sauce and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Community Colleges, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

18. We have a whole ton of folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

19. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. Refer back to #1.

20. 4 inches of snow isn't a blizzard. Drive like you got some sense in your head, and DON'T take all our bread, milk, and toilet paper from the grocery stores. This ain't Alaska. Worst case you may have to live a whole day without croissants. The pickups and atv’s with snow blades will have you out the next dayv.




The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.



Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the

same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

What about the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder what horse's azz came up with that, you may be exactly right.

Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses (Two horses' asses). Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's azz.

And you thought being a horse's azz wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything....and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else!!

 

Mom’s Genius Letter To Her Kids Has Parents All Over The World Laughing Their Heads Off.
This mom wrote an open letter to her kids before summer. The letter went viral and I can really understand why. It really cracks me up! You’ll find the whole letter below, republished with permission from blogger M.Blazoned. You’ll find herTwitter here and her Facebook Page here.


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Hey Kids,

Feel free to leave your stuff wherever you want this summer. Half drunk smoothies in the family room? No problem. I got it. Socks in the hall. I’m on it. Dishes in the sink? Keep ’em coming. Legos? Everywhere? Love it. Oh, and feel free to drag your blankets all over the house and abandon them the moment you no longer want them. I’ll fold them lovingly for you and return them to your rooms.

And doors? Shutting them is optional. I’m right behind you, so, seriously, don’t worry about it. I love when the wasps get in and the air conditioning gets out. Who are we to be sequestered in our climate controlled house? Open door policy in this house. We have endless money.

And it’s totally fine to leave your wet bathing suits and towels on any surface from the floor to the banister. I love heaps, but be creative! Oh, and putting them on painted wood surfaces is the best. I’ll grab them so they don’t warp the wood. You’re busy. Stop. Get back to your Netflix. Friends is not going to binge watch itself.



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And let me know when you are hungry. Don’t be encumbered by normal meal times. And please don’t coordinate with each other. The kitchen is open 24/7 and I’m happy to whip up anything you need, whenever you need it. I majored in short order cooking.

And if you make something yourself, just leave every single item exactly where you last needed it. Milk, too. If it goes bad…I’ll just buy more. Money? Please. I’ll just work more. And I got the clean-up. I will walk in your footsteps and put things away. It’s fun for me to live vicariously through your cooking. Like, wow, how did they get so much shredded cheese on the counter? Impressive.

And every time you are thirsty…get a new glass. We have tons. And a dishwasher I love to load and unload. And, as far as I know, endless electricity and water. The world is our oyster.

And if something comes up with your friends? I’m in. I’ll drive you there or back, or hell, both. I mean, I have a car and a license. I should put it to good use. And please, no need to give me any advance notice. I can easily stop whatever I’m doing, even work, to take you. I know how valuable your time is. Need some money for the movies? You got it, kiddo.

And to the little one, when you feel like it, I’ll take you to the pool. Before we go, you can complain and squirm while I put on your sunscreen. Don’t hold back. Just be you. Express how you’re feeling. It is cold, isn’t it? I love the challenge of when you inch away slowly as I’m applying it. Good stretch for my arms and back. Kind of you to think of me.

And just one thing on goggles. I’m on it. Don’t bother to keep track of yours. I’ve made it my summer mission to know where your goggles are at all times (in the car…left side…wedged in between the seats). At night, I’m sleeping with them under my pillow. We can’t be too careful. How will you swim without them?



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Just a few last minute housekeeping items: Eye rolling? Yes! I love the immediate feedback of my thoughts and ideas. How else can I gauge if I’m pleasing you or not? Showering? Optional. You know what’s best. I defer to you. Wearing a hat? No way. The more sun the better. Chores? Just tell me when it’s a good time for you. The weeds and messes aren’t going anywhere.

One last thing…please always wear your headphones so that you can’t hear me when I’m talking to you. Communication is totally overrated. Little known fact about me? I love yelling things at the top of my lungs three or four times with no response. It’s very cathartic. Look it up.

Well, call me crazy, but if you guys follow all of these guidelines, I think this summer is going to be a win for all of us.

Or if you don’t understand sarcasm, you won’t make it until July. Either way…

Love you guys.

-The Default Parent
Published by Newsner, please like

 

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?' The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?' The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, 'Norma Findlay, Room 302.' The operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.'

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.'

The grandmother said, 'Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.'
The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?' The Grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me chit.'




Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer candle.




An 86 year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's somethig wrong with my duck,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The receptionist replied, 'You've obviously caused some embarassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embaras anyone.' The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes?'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?' The man said, 'I can't pee out of it.' The waiting room erupted in laughter.




A college class was told to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were:

This short story has to contain the following three things:

Religion
Sex
Mystery

The best short story submitted was: “Good God, I’m pregnant! I wonder who did it?”

 

Ode to the Spell Checker
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew




A cowboy, who is visiting Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."




Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?' He said, 'I don't know. But it made a hole in Juan.'




Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.