A bit of humor!

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use


This man goes into to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."



After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old Copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Birmingham News' in Alabama , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Leeds, Alabama , Billy 'Bubba' Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr. Mitchell has therefore concluded that even before New York and California had their high-tech communications networks, over 300 years ago Alabama had already gone wireless."



A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: 'Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria said, 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Woman: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Woman: 'Oh. '

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Woman: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Woman: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Woman (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

She got the raise.

 

I recently researched my family tree and was amazed to discover my great great grandmother invented the lawn chair. Her name was Patty O'Furniture.



A man said to his friend, “I just don’t seem to have any energy any more. It is frustrating because I’m trying to write a novel.” His friend asked, “Have you tried chocolate? It gave Montezuma energy you never dreamed of.” “Montezuma was writing a novel?” he asked. “No,” said his friend. “But the story goes that he had the biggest harem in the world.”The next time they meet, he rushed over and shook his friend’s hand. “I can’t tell you how much that chocolate did for me!” he said. “Good, good,” replied the friend. “It helped your writing then?” He said, “Writing! Who’s got time for writing?”



Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.



Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.' 'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked. 'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole. 'Could I see him?' asked Sven. Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!' Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"



A drill sergeant in the Army was giving one recruit a rough time. He told the recruit, “I know your type all right. You are the kind of guy who will wait around for me to die and then spit on my grave.” The recruit answered, “No Sir! I would not spit on your grave.” So the sergeant then said, “So then, you’d probably pee on my grave, huh?”
The recruit answered, “Sir, I might want to put something on your grave alright enough, but like spit, it is a four letter word and has no p in it!”

 

Little Zachary was doing very badly in Math. His parents tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, they did everything they could to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said. "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms" What was it already" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."



In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God. Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, Then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.



An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2:38! ' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven .) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'

 

Rotti, what has happened to your pictures? They are not showing up.

 

A reporter stopped in to the local police station one afternoon. Behind the sergeant’s desk was a large, efficient looking woman in uniform who also packed a service revolver at her waist. After checking the blotter, he returned to his car where his wife was patiently waiting for him. “You should see the new woman on the police force,” he said. “She’s temendous, and wearing a .38.” His wife icily answered, “Well, I also wear a 38.”



When a couple moved into their new home, the first one they had ever owned rather than rented, two of the man’s friend gave him a bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled into their new home, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Three months later, a new baby, their third child, was christened. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, they remembered the housewarming gift of champagne they had tucked away. In front of their guests, the lady opened the card which was attached to the bottle and read, “Harry, take good care of this one. It’s yours!”

You also sent one to my home and it did not show up. Not sure what's up there.

 

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

************************************************** ************************************************

Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

*********** ************************************************** ************************************* **
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

************************************************** ************************************************** **

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

************************************************** ************************************************** **

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: ;

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

************************************************** ************************************************** ***

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

************************************************** ************************************************** ****

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

************************************************** ************************************************** ***

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

************************************************** ************************************************** **

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

 

And with the stock markets getting hit, we bring back some old ones:

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
- Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.
- Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show ... if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
- Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
- Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
- Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21..
- Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.



A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'



A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''

 

Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!


Thank God for church ladies with typewriters who keep us amused. (Bless their hearts.) The following statements actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:


---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
----------------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
----------------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
----------------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
----------------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------------------------- ------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------------------ ----------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

------------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
---------------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------- - ----------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered .
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
----------------------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
----------------------------------------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
---------------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement, Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
----------------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge… Up Yours.”



A fart, it is a pleasant thing,it gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter and suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet, or a fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful and very poisonous cloud

A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known to sound like a song
A fart can create a most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless, or silent and deadly.

A fart might not smell, while others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while.
A fart can occur in a number of places,
And leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie, to small elevators,
A fart will find all of us sooner or later.
But that farts are all bad, is simply not true
We must never forget nice old farts like you!