A bit of humor!

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them.” The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother… he’s an idiot!” She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?” The doctor said, “Denise.” So she then said, “Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?” He said, “Denephew.”



An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry an extraordinarily beautiful woman, so they could produce gorgeous children beyond compare. With that in mind he set out on a mission to find the perfect woman. Shortly thereafter he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them. “Well,” the Redneck replied, “they’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Why don’t you look ‘em over and pick the one you want?”

The man was ecstatic, and decided to take each one out to dinner to size them all up. The first night he dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion. “Well,” said the man, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly notice - pigeon-toed.” The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went. “Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a wee bit - not that you can hardly tell - crosseyed.” The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect, just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry.”

The redneck gave his blessing, so the couple was wed immediately. Months later their first baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. “Well,” explained the Redneck, “she was just a wee bit - not that you could hardly tell - pregnant when you met her.”



Puncuation matters! I’d rather receive the top letter:

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours? Gloria

Than to receive this one:

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we’re apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours, Gloria

 

25 Signs You’ve Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up”.

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good chit”.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again”.

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking, “Oh chit, what the hell happened?”



In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of ^*it.



A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. "Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk." Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

 

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. The answers are from a Roman Catholic Elementary School Test. The students were asked questions RE: the Old and New Testaments and the following untouched, uncorrected statements were their answers.

1. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let him self be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. After wards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.

9. The first commandments was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew King who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others be fore they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone..

20. It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 Decibels.

22. The Epistels were the wives of the Apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony which is another name for marraige.



A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'


God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?' God replied, 'Wow. I didn't recognize you.'



Words with double meaning:

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE
(vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION ( ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n . Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family. !
Male..... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE ( flach-u-lens) n. Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female..... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me… I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Australian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?” The Englishman replied, with a smile, “Very sporting of your Mother.”



The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

 

Young Chuck, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What Ya gonna do with him? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer asked, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back. 'Chuck now works for the government.



Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation, first:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race .... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework ... you're a pansy. If you work too hard ... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough ..... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay ... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay ..... you should get off your lazy azz and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her ... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you ...... its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks ... its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet ..... its male indifference. If you cry ... you're a wimp. If you don't ..... you're an insensitive idiot. If you make a decision without consulting her ...... you're a chauvinist.If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy ... that's domination. If she asks you ... it's a favor. If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear ..... you're a pervert. If you don't ... you're a faggot.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape ... you're sexist. If you don't ... you're unromantic. If you try to keep yourself in shape ..... you're vain. If you don't ... you're a slob. If you buy her flowers ... you're after something. If you don't ... you're not thoughtful. If you're proud of your achievements ... you're full of yourself. If you don't ... you're not ambitious. If she has a headache .... she's tired. If you have a headache ..... you don't love her anymore. If you want it too often ... you're oversexed. If you don't .... there must be someone else.

So why do men die first? Sometimes they want to.



A very confident James Bond walks into the English bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” Bond explains, ” It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties,” he said. The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I’m wearing panties!” Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “Bloody thing’s an hour fast.”





A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a “Dear John” letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope….along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I’m so sorry, but I can’t quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.




John invited his mother over for dinner one evening. During the meal, she couldn’t help but notice how attractive his roommate Judy was. She had been suspicious of a relationship between her son and his roommate for quite some time, but this only made her more curious. She watched the two of them interact over the course of the evening and began to wonder whether there was more between John and Judy than met the eye. Realizing only too well what his mother was thinking, John said, “I can see your wheels turning Mom and I know what you’re thinking. Rest assured Judy and I are strictly roommates.”

A few days later, Judy went to John and said, “You know the beautiful silver gravy ladle? Well, ever since your mother came to dinner I can’t seem to find it. You don’t think she would have taken it, do you?” “I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure,” replied John.

John then sat down and wrote his mother the following letter: “Dear Mom, While I’m not saying you ‘did’ take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you ‘didn’t’ take a gravy ladle, the fact remains that ever since you were here for dinner one has been missing. Love, Your son.”

Several days later, John received a reply from his mother which read: “Dear John, While I am not saying you ‘do’ sleep with Judy, and I’m not saying you ‘don’t’ sleep with her, the fact remains that she would have found the gravy ladle by now if she were sleeping in her own bed. Love, Mom.”

 

A couple I know who practiced the rhythm method say all eight of their children are musically inclined.


Babe Ruth isn’t the only star to hav a candy bar named after him. Mounds was named after Dolly Parton.


Secretary to Boss: “Bob won’t be in today. Says he lost his American Express card and he can’t leave home without it.”



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?' She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.' The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for you. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.' To which little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!'



Men's Age - According to Home Depot
Imagine you are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever.You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
In your 30's:Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, "I Got Worms."

In your 60's:Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog chit off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in you pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog chit on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
In your 80's:Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Home Depot and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

 

9 Olympics Quotations: Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: 'This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.
2. Dressage commentator: 'This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnaist: 'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
4. Boxing Analyst: 'Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.
5. Softball announcer: 'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.
6. Basketball analyst: 'He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: 'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.
8. Soccer commentator: 'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.
9. Tennis commentator: 'One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?'



Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one'.



According to a recent study the average Australian walks about 900 miles per year. Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon. Bloody good value that!



A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat. The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said withadmiration. "Thanks," the girl replied. The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the firefighter said. "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

Hurricane Preparedness

If you're new to the Louisiana area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by 'the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. Therefore, we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Louisiana or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

'Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

'Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says 'Louisiana' you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

* 23 flashlights.

* At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

* Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

* A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

* A big knife that you can strap to your leg (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

* A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there will be irate alligators.)

* $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the Gulf and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the Gulf. Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet, you should come.


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his Grandma one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV, hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'



Two old friends, Sally and Jane, met in the street one day. “I’m going to have triplets!” said Sally. “My doctor told me that triplets are conceived only once in every three million times!” Jane said, “Three million! Good gracious, Sally. When did you ever find time to do the housework?”

 

Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels In 'Love' with her.After a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants,concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so, on the last night of his vacation,the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. 'I eat, sleepand breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!' Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ...you need to know that I'm a hooker.''I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought ... then he added:'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.'



While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator. 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...



A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and quietly talking. Suddenly, there was a flash of blinding light and Satan appeared in front of them. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from all evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, in a voice crackling with evil, "Do you know who I am?" The old man replied, "Yep, sure do."


"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the old man. "Don't you realise I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you are still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The old man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 48 years."