A bit of humor!

Puns
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. Not pun in ten did.




The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my willie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied, "In Vietnam."

 

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see "Closed for the winter."



A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."



A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?" he asked. "Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied. Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond replied..... "Two popsicles and some coffee."



A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest."

"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office, and sees the blonde crying hysterically. "What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks. "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!"

 

A group of eight country couples from the Cottonwood Baptist Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal. When it came time for Al and Janet to be the hosts Janet wanted to outdo all the others. So Janet decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. However, knowing that mushrooms are so expensive, she told her husband, "No mushrooms --they are too high." He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed."

She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poison." He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK." So Janet decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot their dog a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Janet watched Ol' Spot and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Janet even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Janet's ear. She said, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot just died." Janet went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We'll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone's stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs & the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left." They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."



The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, " Hello? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" asked the boss. The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" The child whispered" Yes."

"May I talk with her?" he asked. Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" " Yes ," whispered the child, "a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" " No, he's busy ", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... "ME."

 

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk and takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers and, not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up. It wasn't very long before a police car arrives. The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"

"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly. "Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer... She replied, "Helllllooooo, those are myemergency flashers!"



As I've Matured...I’ve learned that…

you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
one good turn gets most of the blankets.
no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes.
it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or politicians.
artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it
there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon, all the less important ones just never go away and the real pains in the butt are permanent.



Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!" So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.She said, "I have a praise." Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM."



Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas -- There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he is known as: The Chip Monk!



There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."



A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute." She asked, "What happened to beautiful?" The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."




Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said,

"I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

 

Please Lord, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.



Life in the 1500’s

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the clean water, then the other sons, then the women and children. Last of all was the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs -thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying. It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying a threshold.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and not much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot overnight, then start over the next day. Sometimes the stewpot had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was considered a ... dead ringer..

And that's the truth...(grin)

Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !