A bit of humor!

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from college and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."



Never wear gloves on a date. You’ll feel better without them.



One way to make a woman happy is to keep your wallet open and your mouth shut.

 

They call it diarrhea. It gets you in the Rea’ and makes you want to die.


A city fellow was lost in a small country town. He pulled up to the curb and hollered, “Hey Old Timer, where’s the court house in this town?” The old man couldn’t hear too well and hollered back, “Ain’t got one here sonny. You have to pick them up off the street.”


Did you know there are male and female pecan trees? The female trees have beautiful limbs but they have no nuts.



A guy was in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He threw the kite up in the air, the wind caught it for a few seconds but it came crashing back down to earth. He tried it a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."


Coaches love to speak of a man’s scond wnd, but it isn’t what you get from eating beans.


An attorney asks, “Does your husband snore in his sleep?” She says, “When else would he snore?”

 

An Englishman came to America for the first time and was taken by his friend to see his first baseball game. The first man up hit a single and dashed madly to first base. The next man up hit a short double. The man on first ran swiftly to third and the other nearly broke his neck making it to second. The third man up was purposely walked to fill the bases. He sauntered lazily to first base. The Englishman asked, “Why does he walk so slowly while the others ran so fast to first base?” His friend replied, “Because he got four balls.” The Englishman thought for a moment and mused, “By Jove, that would slow him down a bit, wouldn’t it?!”



The Golfing Nun . . .

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!" "Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee . . . and this hole is a monster, Mother - I'm talking about a 560 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green with creek in the front and right side . . . and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted . . .and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my goodness!" commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!" "No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!" Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother Superior.

"But I didn't,!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his little paws!" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!" The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said . . ."You missed that dammed putt, didn't you?"

 

After watching a military parade, the man asked his girlfriend which part she liked best. She said, “I really enjoyed the part where the privates came together.”


A young couple returned from a day’s shopping and the wife told their neighbor, “We got some marvelous bargains at the clearing sale. There was an enormous crowd, but Jim plunged right in to the middle of it.” Jim agreed, “It was really something! Dozens of women pushing, pulling, shoving and pawing me about. I’m going back alone tomorrow.”


My sex appeal is going the way of the magazine industry. No more Life, no more Looks, and the Post doesn’t come as often as it used to.


What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

 

What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked. "Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."


Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Wally didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or something. After Wally didn't show up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you?" Wally replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail!," cried Max. "What in the world for?" "Well," Wally said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?" Yeah" said Max, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, when I got to court I pled 'Guilty'. The judge took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

 

Jack & Jill went up the hill
To water flower buds
Jill came down with a rumpled gown
And pollen on her duds.


Hallmark greeting cards that never made it to the stores.


My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire .
I noticed your cat.


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it .
She moved in with me.


Looking back over the years
That we've been together,
I can't help but wonder ...
"What the hell was I thinking?"



Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


How could two people as ugly as you
Have such a beautiful baby?


I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After having met you ...
I've changed my mind.


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


AS the days go by, I think of how lucky I am ...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost lifelike!


When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

 

A Texas couple had just been married and went to an expensive hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk and asked for a room. He said "This is a very special occasion. It's our wedding night and we need your BEST room with a strong bed."

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the bridal?" The Texas fellow thought about it for a minute and then replied, "No, I guess not. I'll just hold on to her ears 'til she gets used to it."



A guide was showing the sights of New York to a group of tourists. One man in the bunch was a Texan who kept pointing out that he knew a place back home which was prettier, larger, had greener trees, hired prettier waitresses, or could turn out products cheaper and faster. Finally, they reached the corner of Broadway and 34th Street. The guide announced, “Here stands the tallest building in the world. It’s almost a mile to the top.” Tex snorted, “That’s nothing. In my home town, we have outhouses taller than that thing.” The longsuffering guide replied, “Yes Sir, I believe it…and you surely need them.”



If any ecology freaks want to go back to a natural, organic method of birth control, the best way we know is to sleep with both feet in one sock.


The functions of kidneys, if one should list them
Are best described as a drain on the system.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name...

 

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"

Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.



During a scholarly lecture on the effects of tobacco on vital tissue, the professor was interrupted by an uncouth lout demanding, “Can you prove that?” The professor replied that he could not just then but would be happy to produce facts at the next class session. “Well,” laughed the rascal, “Until that time then, I’m sure you won’t mind if I say you are lying.”

With a patient smile, the professor answered, “That sounds fair enough. Now may I see your parent’s marriage license?” The youth protested, “I certainly don’t carry that with me.” The professor then said, “Until you do produce it, then I’m sure you won’t mind me calling you a bastard!”

 

One day a fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach, with his fishing pole propped up in the sand and his solitary line cast out into the sparkling blue surf. He was enjoying the warmth of the afternoon sun and the prospect of catching a fish. About that time, a businessman came walking down the beach, trying to relieve some of the stress of his workday. He noticed the fisherman sitting on the beach and decided to find out why this fisherman was fishing instead of working harder to make a living for himself and his family.

"You aren't going to catch many fish that way," said the businessman to the fisherman, "You should be working rather than lying on the beach!" The fisherman looked up at the businessman, smiled and replied, "And what will my reward be?"

"Well, you can get bigger nets and catch more fish!" was the businessman's answer. "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman, still smiling.

The businessman replied, "You will make money and you'll be able to buy a boat, which will then result in larger catches of fish!" "And then what will my reward be?" asked the fisherman again.

The businessman was beginning to get a little irritated with the fisherman's questions. "You can buy a bigger boat, and hire some people to work for you!" he said. "And then what will my reward be?" repeated the fisherman.

The businessman was getting angry. "Don't you understand? You can build up a fleet of fishing boats, sail all over the world, and let all your employees catch fish for you!" Once again the fisherman asked, "And then what will my reward be?"

The businessman was red with rage and shouted at the fisherman, "Don't you understand that you can become so rich that you will never have to work for your living again! You can spend all the rest of your days sitting on this beach, looking at the sunset. You won't have a care in the world!" The fisherman, still smiling, looked up and said, "And what do you think I'm doing right now?"




An 80 year old man is out for a walk in the woods one day when he comes upon a frog in the middle of the trail crying uncontrollably. Surprised to see a frog crying, he bends over for a closer look. The frog looks at him and says, "Oh poor me, I am a princess, turned into a frog by an evil witch, I can only be released from this spell by the kiss of a man" to which she adds "If you kiss me, I'll be your wife and give you myself in every way possible". Upon hearing this, the old man picks her up and puts her in his pocket. She says, "Didn't you hear me, I'll be your wife, I make passionate love to you every night for the rest of your life!" The old man smiles and says "At my age I think a frog that talks would be a lot more fun!"



A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate', not fascinating."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Grace land and I was fascinated." The teacher said, " Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate', not fascinated."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him. Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight." The teacher sat down and cried...

 

I wonder

1. I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
2. Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
3. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
4. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
5. The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
7. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
8. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
10. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
11. Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
12. We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
13. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
14. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
15. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
16. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
17. If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
18. A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
19. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).



Is Denial a river in Egypt?



A 2006 study by Texas A&M University found that the average American walks about 900 miles per year. Another study by the American Beer Institute found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Americans get approximately 41 miles per gallon - not bad!



Kids write about the sea.

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an *****hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)
8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 6)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 9)
13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat rear. (Jule age 7)

 

A man goes to see his Pastor. "Pastor, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Pastor asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Pastor, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?" The Pastor then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Pastor calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Pastor replied, "Take the poison."



A recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro station in DC: There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq ?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea , and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. Now, if you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your backside and open it."



Three Italian nuns die and go to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks.
"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says. "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."



A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"