A bit of humor!

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."



Two guys from Michigan’s Upper Peninsula of Michigan die and wake up in Hell. The next day the Devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats warming themselves around the fire. The Devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. Ve're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh."

The Devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, hats and mittens. The Devil asks them again, "Its awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel that?" Again the two guys reply, "Vell, like ve told you yesterday, ve're from nordern Michigan, the land of snow and ice and cold. Ve're just happy for a chance to warm up a vee bit, eh."

This gets the Devil quite steamed so he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming every where. He stops by the room with the two guys from Michigan and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The Devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourself." The two Michiganders reply, "Vell, ya know, ve don't get too much varm veather up dere in da UP, eh! Ve’ve just got to have a fish fry vhen the veather's this nice, eh."

The Devil is absolutely furious; he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The Devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The Devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Michiganders. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men. The Devil is dumb founded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?" The Michiganders look at the Devil in surprise, "Vell, don't ya know, if Hell froze over dat must mean da Detroit Lions von da super bowl!"



An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table 3 objects:

* a Bible,
* a silver dollar, and
* a bottle of whiskey.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big healthy drink. "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna' be a Congressman!"

 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.

Deputy says,"License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, " You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"



WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



Thoughts to ponder on in 2015:

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,make him a sandwich.
Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use theInternet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
NUMBER 1 We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

 

Very good thoughts to ponder ....... thanks[/QUOTE]
A couple numbers crack me up!! But a few others are quite sobering and true.

 

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed, and 55" plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and no tv.



Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to Heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up Irish Whiskey" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven? O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father. The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."



With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired "trips to where?" Brother Ralph said, "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China." The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands Ralph, please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on Your 50th anniversary?" Brother Ralph said, "I'm going to go get her."

 

As a teacher, Ms. Jones, was very curious about how each of her students celebrated Christmas. She called on young Patrick Murphy. "Tell me Patrick what do you do at Christmas time?" she asked. Patrick addressed the class, "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys".

"Very nice Patrick", she said. "Now, Jimmy Brown what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?" Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and begin to sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas.



Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But, all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic....And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass, and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors, and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish.

 

I had my septic tank pumped today. The company's slogan is:

"We are #1 in the #2 Business"

 

LIFE WOULD BE GREAT IF IT WERE BACKWARDS

You'd start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then, you finish off as an orgasm.



The young wife wasn’t used to the hot and humid Gulf Coast climate. Each morning she sent her husband off to work in crisply creased slacks, which dragged home at night looking like limp pajamas. So she went down to the local department store, walked up to the man at the Men’s Wear Counter and boldly asked, “Have you got anything your trousers that stays stiff all day?”



Practice does not make perfect. A married woman will take ten times longer to get ready to make love than any single chick.



A little boy waved his hand and hollered, “Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?” She didn’t like his grammar and asked, “Did you say ‘can’?” The lad mumbled, “No Ma’am. I said bathroom.”

 

Sex was invented before words. That’s why there are no words to describe the way it feels.


On a lonely road a young man’s car suddenly stopped. He got out, looked under the hood, and said to the young lady in the car, “I can’t understand this. It looks like all the gas has turned into water.” She answered coolly, “I’ll tell you how to fix that. You get back into the car, put both arms around me and give me a great big kiss. Then you start feeling me up and I’ll slap you silly. You’ll be amazed how fast that water turns back to gas again.”


Foot stool: A twelve inch bowel movement.


One guy dreamed up a new trick. He broke into a married woman’s bedroom, tugged at her shoulder and whispered, “Darling, Darling?” When she didn’t react, he tiptoed out of the room with all her jewelry. Later she told police, “I never suspected anything was wrong. I supposed it was my husband, going back to his own bed.”

 

I’m no hardened criminal. My worst offense nowadays is carrying a cancelled weapon.


Clothes don’t make a woman, but the better ones show how she is made.



The egotist thinks he’s an asset to the human race. At least he has the first three letters right.



Next time you need a real putter downer, try this. If you can find the doctor who delivered you, you’ll have a great malpractice case.



Birthday Wishes

The sun may kiss the butterfly
The dew may kiss the grass
The King may kiss the parlor maid
And you, my dear may kiss…another year goodbye.