A bit of humor!

I always laugh when I hear the after 4 hours call a doctor part of that commercial. My doc is the last person I want to see if it's still up after 4 hours. I think it would be time to call in a pro.

 

I know that seems funny, however I did have some ER experience and I want to tell you when that happens, all modesty is lost to pain! The problem has to be corrected or there is permanent "loss" and/or function.

 

Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw his wife flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A trout fisherman ran up.The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But it's actually my mother-in-law."The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?

 

You better watch out for flying frypans!

 

RANDOM THOUGHTS AS I GET OLDER.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

The day the world runs out of beer is just too terrible to think about!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pizzing me off!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

I like my middle finger best because it always sticks up for me!

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that second week.

When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?

I've lost my mind and I'm pretty sure my wife took it!

Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Chocolate comes from cocoa which is a tree ... that makes it a plant which means ... chocolate is Salad !!!

 

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

 

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all tried out for the same job painting road stripes.

The boss told them they would all work for three days and whoever painted the most would get the job.

At the end of the first day the redhead had painted 3 miles, the brunette had painted 2.5 miles and the blonde had painted 10 miles.

The boss was so exited he told her to keep it up and the job was hers.

The next day the redhead painted 5 miles, the brunette 5.6 miles and the blonde 4 miles.

The boss told her not to worry, "You still have a good lead.

So, on the third day the redhead had painted 6 miles, the brunette 5 miles and the blonde only one mile.

The boss was so disappointed, he asked the blonde, "What went wrong, you were doing so good."

She said, "Well, that bucket of paint keeps getting further and further away."

 

TSA Report

CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results

December 2014 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

 

Amish Lady Driver Is Pulled Over



“I’m not going to
 cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to 
 warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is
 broken and 
 it could be dangerous.”



“I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I 
 shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return
 home.”



“Also,” 
 said the officer, “I noticed one of your horse’s
 reins is wrapped around his 
 testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to
 animals so you should 
 have your husband check that too.”



“Again I thank thee. I shall have my 
 husband check this when I get home.”



True to her word, when the Amish 
 lady got home, she told her husband about the broken
 reflector.
 
 He 
 said he would put a new one on immediately.
 




“Also,” said the Amish woman, 
 “The policeman said there was something wrong with the
 emergency 
 brake.”

 

Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " I clocked you at 80 mph. sir."



The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."



The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."



The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."



The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"



The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"



"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

 

4 FACTS



A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on a hot day with a few friends is nice, but
having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND . . .

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legitimate. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes. I've known you since you were a little boy, and frankly you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people, and talk behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. So, in short, yes. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone. His law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women - one of them was your wife! Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench. When they did, he leaned over and in a quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair!"

 

SNL Celebrity Jeopardy with Tom Hanks

https://screen.yahoo.com/celebrity-jeopardy-000000149.html

 

Code ID10T day at work.