On a bitterly cold winter’s morning a husband and wife in Fargo, North Dakota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, “We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so snow plows can get through conveniently”. So the good wife, who was a blonde, went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, “We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.” The good wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ” Then the power went off. . . . . . . .! The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, “I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plow can get through?” Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, “Why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
Thanksgiving recipe. BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN 1 chicken 6-7 lb. 1 cup melted butter 1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farms is good) 1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher’s lowfat) salt/pepper to taste Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken’s arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done. Who said I couldn’t cook?
Why men wear earrings A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.' 'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,' he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?' 'Ever since my wife found it in my truck.'
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . . . . . . . . . . . . . No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does...
NO SEX Since 1954 A crusty old Marine found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Marine for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." She looked at his awa...rds and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally she said, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" "1954, ma'am." "Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1954! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1954." The Marine glanced at his watch and said, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
A fair exchange??? After being married for 50 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night. Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." His wife said "I am a very reasonable Woman" She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Christmas Alcohol. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. But not in my case I hasten to add. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a spaz. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: " Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
No groaning please! Christmas jokes, please don't hold these against me, I will try harder in the future. > · I tried to catch some fog. I mist. > > · When chemists die, they barium. > > · Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. > > · A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray isnow a seasoned veteran. > > · I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. > > · How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. > > · I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. > > · This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,but I'd never met herbivore. > > · I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down. > > · I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words . > > · They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. > > · This dyslexic man walks into a bra . > > · I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. > > · A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? > > · When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. > > · What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.. > > · I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! > > · Broken pencils are pointless. > > · What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. > > · England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . > > · I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. > > · I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. > > · All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. > Police say they have nothing to go on. > > · I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. > > · Velcro - what a rip off! > > · Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg, Russia, the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife. "No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing." As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
