A bit of humor!

You Know You're a Redneck, When...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
12. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
14. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.
17. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
22. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
24. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop often brings you home.
25. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
27. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
28. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
29. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
30. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
31. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
32. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
33. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
34. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
35. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
36. You can spit without opening your mouth.
37. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
38. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
39. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
40. You discover cars in your front yard when you cut the grass.

 

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree. (Guilty)
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.(Guilty)
15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold. (Guilty)
16. You have used a rag for a gas cap. (Guilty)
20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. (Guilty)

 

True doctor stories:

A man comes into the emergency room and yells, “My wife is going to have her baby in the cab.” I grabbed my stuff, rushed to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs and I was in the wrong one! Dr. Mark MacDonald.

At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope onto the aanterior chest wall of my elderly, slightly dear female patient. “Big breaths,” I instructed her. “Yes, they used to be,” she said with remorse. Dr. Richard Byrnes.

While acquainting myself with a new, elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion, she replied, “Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.” Dr. Steven Swanson

I was caring for a woman and asked, “So, how is your breakfast this morning?” “It's very good, except for the Kentucky jelly. I just cannot get used to the taste,” she replied. I then asked to see the jelly packet and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY jelly.” Dr. Leonard Dransdorf

A new, young md doing his ob residency was quite embarrassed while doing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged patient upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, furthering his embarrassment. The young doctor sheepishly looked up and said, “I am sorry; was I tickling you?" The patient replied, “No doctor, but the song you were just whistling was, “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener.”



A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks."Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all------nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet........and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

 

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

The Pastor’s wife tells about her day:

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus'' bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I'm really glad that I did. What an uplifting experience followed.



I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled “Jesus Christ” as loud as he could. It was like a football game, with him shouting, “Go Jesus Christ. Go!” Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I hit the gas. It’s a good thing I did because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

 

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."


An executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."


A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"





"I think we're on the back side of Mr Rushmore."

 

It's easy to grin, when your ship has come in,
And you've got the stock market beat;
But the man worthwhile is the man who can smile
When his shorts are too tight in the seat.


EVER WONDER ....
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side. When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?" "Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale?"


A blond moment.

 

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all. He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.

He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms. The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? " He said, "I'm NOT happy; my arse itches."


A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation: ''What can you learn from this demonstration?'' A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

 

The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.


The first two could be labeled, poor planning.

 

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.”


I take no credit for what is below. I only copied it from somewhere.

1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs?
.........Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

(4) How do you get an North Carolina Graduate off your porch?.........Pay him for the pizza.

(5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

(6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum?
........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life?
.........His freshman year.

(8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None. That's a sophomore course.

(9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

(10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

 

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely, I can't look that old?" A woman was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist. She noticed his dds diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, she remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with
the same name had been in her high school class some 40-odd years ago. “Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?” she thought?

Upon seeing him, however, she quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been her classmate. Hmmm,...or could he? After he examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended Morgan Park high school. "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride. "When did you graduate?" she asked. "In 1959," he answered. "Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" she exclaimed. He looked at her closely. Then, that bald, ugly, old, wrinkled, son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"



New Italian Bride: Maria had just got married and, being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta." So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt an exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," says the mother, "all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" Her mother said, "Stay here and stir the pasta."



A stock broker, on his way home from work in New York City, came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems much worse than usual." He notices a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats told her to forget about running for President in 2016. So we're taking up a collection for her.” The stock broker asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies "About 4 1/2 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."