A bit of humor!

Cabin Crew Chuckles
1) Pilot: “Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: “There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.”
3) Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: “We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: “Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”
5) Attendant from same airline: “Welcome aboard. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don’t know how to operate one then you really shouldn’t be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more”.
6) Pilot: “The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline”.
7) Stewardess: “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments”.
8) Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: “Whoa, big fella, WHOA!”
9) Flight attendant after rough landing: “Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our plane to the terminal gate”.
10) Stewardess: “As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses”.
11) Pilot: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....sadly none of them are on this flight”.
12) Flight attendant: “ Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal”.
13) Steward: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us”.
14) Stewardess: “Last passenger off the plane has to clean it”.
15) Loudspeaker announcement: “ I don’t know whether we landed or were shot down”.
16) Pilot “Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at agggghhhh ....oh my god!... oh no!..........sorry about that folks. I’ve just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers.”
Passenger - in response: “You should see the back of mine....!!”


AIR LINE STEWARDESS

An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS. “ The attendant replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. “

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?” Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: “May I have your attention please,” she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. “We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said “F*** You!” Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too”.

 

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather trustingly. “Well,” she says, responding very carefully, “I’d have to say, I would like it infrequently. “The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, “Was that one or two words?”


At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, and a calculator. Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” ”Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it “ he said. The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.”

 

Simplified Chinese (for the busy person)

Ai Bang Mai Ne - I bumped into the coffee table
Chin Tu Fat - You need a face lift
Dan Wel Hung - A guy named Dan who is envied by many
Dum Gai - A stupid person
Dung Flung Hi - Results of a powerful manure spreader
Glo No Sho - The candle went out
Gun Pao Der - An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung - Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding - We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun - A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia - Approach me
Kum Hia Nao - See me ASAP
Lao Ze Sho - Gilligan’s Island
Lao Ze - Not very good
Lei Ying Lo - Staying out of sight
Lin Ching - An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding - A great achievement of the American space program
Moon Sho - Its a clear night.
Ne Ahn - A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
No Pah King - This is a tow away zone!
Shai Gai - A bashful person
Sum Ting Wong - That's not right!
Su Pa - Great
Tai Ne Bae Be - A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne - A small horse
Tai Shoo – Your shoe is untied
Ten Ding Ba - Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung - A person with T.B.
Wan Ton – 2000 pounds
Wa Shing Kah - Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim - Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting—There is no reason to raise your voice
Wai Yu Kum Nao - Our meeting is scheduled for next week!
Wai Yu So Tan - Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu Mun Ching - I thought you were on a diet!
Who Yu Sa - Who was that?
Yung Kow - A heifer
Yu Mai Te Tan - Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Yu Stin Kiup - Your body odor is offensive

 

- Things You’ll Never Hear A Southerner Say -

Do you think I’m following that car too close?
I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
Duct tape won’t fix that
Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael
We don’t keep firearms in this house
Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
You can’t feed that to the dog
I thought Graceland was tacky
No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe
Rasslin’s fake
Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
We’re vegetarians
Do you think my gut is too big?
Honey, we don’t need another dog
Who’s Richard Petty?
Give me the small bag of pork rinds
Make sure you use your turn signal at this intersection
Too many deer heads detract from the decor
Spittin is such a nasty habit
I just couldn’t find a thing at Walmart today
Trim the fat off that steak
The tires on that truck are too big
I’ve got it all on the C: drive
Unsweetened tea tastes better
Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams
Checkmate
Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
Dang, I meant to come to a complete stop at that stop sign
Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen
Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla
Nope, no more for me I’m drivin tonight

 

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!” The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude! “The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” [dramatic pause] “Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?” The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.” The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.” The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”



There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”. The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

· One chalk mark $1
· Knowing where to put it $49,999



Two engineering students were walking across campus. One was pushing a bike and the other one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?” The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.” “The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

 

(Under a sign that said: "Employees Must Wash Hands")
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.


Here's a tack that the beer companies might want to keep in mind for their Super Bowl ads: Beer can save your life. That's the moral of an odd story from Slovakia. While driving his Audi in the Slovak Tatra mountains last week, Richard Kralwas buried in an avalanche in the Slovak Tatra mountains. Luckily for Kral, he had 60 half-liter bottles of beer in his car because he was headed on vacation. Over four days, Kral tirelessly pounded brews and urinated out his window to melt the snow until he was able to escape. This really puts all those silly "tastes great/less filling" arguments into perspective.

 

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children. (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands. (Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (Oh go ahead! That's right; destroy a universal childhood belief.)

 

Top 10 Dog peeves about humans

1. Blaming your gas on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A DOG, YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.


“The Pharmacist just insulted me,” the woman sobbed to her husband. Upset, he jumped into his car and sped to the drug store to defend his wife. “Listen to my side!” the pharmacist pleaded. “First, this morning my alarm didn’t go off and I overslept. Rushing out, I locked both my house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get them. Then, on the way to work, I had a flat tire. When I finally got behind the counter, there was a long line and the telephone started ringing. I knocked a roll of nickels on the floor, and, bending over to pick them up, I cracked my head on a drawer and fell backward, shattering the perfume case. Meanwhile, the phone was still ringing. I picked it up, and the lady asked me how to use a rectal thermometer. I swear, all I did was tell her.”


They say it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. So, the next time you are insulted, remember that it takes only 4 muscles to reach out and slap the s.o.b.