- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive. - I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you. - Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water. - I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will remind me with, "Your password is incorrect." - Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - I'm great at multi- tasking- - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. - Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them. - Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected? - Take my advice - I'm not using it. - My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. - I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious. - Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were. - Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. - I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust. - Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more- talented fool. - I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie. - Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. - If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. - A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. - Ever stop to think and forget to start again? - When I married Ms. Right, I had no idea her first name was Always. - My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test- - the other two guys managed to jump out of her way. - There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking. - Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking. - Give me ambiguity or give me something else. - He who laughs last thinks slowest. - Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly? - Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do- it- yourself type. - I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one. - Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. - The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it. - I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me. - I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. - Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep. - If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie? - Money is the root of all wealth. - No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
