The other funny picture thread

Other than my MIL the rest can kiss my a@$

 

You should try to be more open with your inner feelings...........................

 

I said this before also....the only difference between in-laws and out-laws is.........out-laws are wanted!

 

Do you need new glasses if the head spins one way and the chest the other ?

 

Regan ?
https://68.media.tumblr.com/2c998ff81c91737eaa49477e33bf8551/tumblr_olsb7ecKMn1rp0vkjo1_500.gif

 

Holiday Festivity Guidelines 2018

Please be advised that anyone planning to dash through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night.
While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all facility users are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the Lord is additionally reminded that prior to shining his/her glory all around s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicized case, everyone is advised that legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr. R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offense.
While it is acknowledged that gift-bearing is commonly practiced in various parts of the world, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded under provisions of the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act. Further, caution is advised regarding other common gifts, such as aromatic resins that may initiate allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
Compliance of these guidelines is advised in order for you to fully participate with the festive spirit.

 

Murphy's Real Laws:


1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.


2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


4. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


5. When the chips are down the buffalo is empty.


6. Seen it all, done it all. Can't remember most of it.


7. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


8. She's always late. In fact, her ancestors arrived on the "Juneflower."


9. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.


10. Despite the cost of living, it still remains popular?


11. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.


12. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.


13. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.


14. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?


15. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


16. The things that come to those that wait, are probably things left by those who got there first.


17. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking.


18. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.


19. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


20. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.


21. You start out with nothing, and many still have most of it.


22. When you go to court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

 

When my wife makes me sit next to her mother at the dinner table and the old witch keeps spewing nonsense she read about on Facebook

 

And the Angel of the North's Great Flaming Sword shall cleave this spluttering bureaucrat in twain.

 

Onward my steed!