A bit of humor!

What about the $40 she won?

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a*$hole?" he asked. She said, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."



A Scotsman enjoys a very good meal and leaves a 3 penny tip. The waitress none to pleased said “That's ok sir you don't need to leave a tip.” The Scotsman says, “No lassy, the meal was excellent and you were most attentive and I insist.” The waitress says, “Ok then let me tell you your fortune with these three pennies.” He agrees. The waitress tells him, “This first penny tells me your Scotch.” “Aye,” he responds. Then she said, “This second penny tells me your a bachelor” “Aye,” he responds. Then she said, “And this third penny tells me your father was a bachelor.”

 

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.




Question for someone from Europe: What part of Europe are you from? Are you from the part whose azz we saved or the part whose azz we kicked?




Tombstone:

Ma loves Pa - Pa loves women
Ma caught Pa with 2 in swimming
Here lies Pa

 

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there). He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right.. But how did yah know?' Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota.'



Mexican words of the day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.

2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.

4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.

6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry, wheelchair it.

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her, "Honey harassment nothing to me."

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

 

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said, 'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, 'What's your name?' The guy said, 'My name is Penis van Lesbian.'The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will not change my name!” he said. The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years. You will never go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will have to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together,' the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed.

'Dear Sir: Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

duck van Dyke




TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED

TO THE NEW HEALTH CARE PLAN!

(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6) The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

(1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

 

A friendly reminder to posters and readers alike:

What is funny to one group could be offensive to another and nothing posted in this thread should be taken seriously. If it were, I'm sure we'd have all kinds of blondes, lawyers, and politicians trying to shut us down.

Carry on folks.

 

The truck stuff is hilarious
More, please!

 

Sorry to offend someone but I do not understand why someone would attempt to make political mileage from a jokes thread. So, I guess it is time to lay off the jokes for a while. I intend to offend nobody.