A bit of humor!

1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
- Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.
- Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show ... if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
- Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
- Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
- Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21..
- Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.




A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'




A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''





A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.'

The pastor hollered out, 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing, 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.'

The pastor said, 'POWER.' The congregation sang. 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'

The Pastor said, 'SEX.' The congregation fell into total silence. The people were shocked, all of a sudden, from the back of the church, an 87 year old woman stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'



The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.

The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up. At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

 

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.

After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: “The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.”

The mistress: “Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.”

The married woman: “I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?'”

 

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

 

Sad news guys. I had a big file of nothing but jokes. Somehow it got trashed and it is not in the recycle bin either. Perhaps I need some prayers sent my way for this or maybe something for depression...

 

Aww, no problem Dennis. I'll pop a few in here from time to time and I'm sure you follow rottiman's posts too. He's been known to let a joke or two loose on occasion. .

You can start a new file.

 

Ah ha! I had a backup file. So only lost part of them!



One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good." God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.




The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. (waiting for attack)



The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.



The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.



Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.



If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.



I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.



When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.




A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.




The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'



Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!



I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

 

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond. The Amish farmer shouts, 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows chit in it'.)
The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.' The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more.'



Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S*@T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of S*@T it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S*@T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the S*@T you can handle.

Sincerely, The Management





Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!

Thank God for church ladies with typewriters who keep us amused. (Bless their hearts.) The following statements actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:

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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
--------------------------------------------- ------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
---------------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
------------------------------ ----------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
---------------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
---------------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
------------------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
---------------------------------------- - ----------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
---------------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered .
---------------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
-------------------------------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
---------------------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement, Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge… Up Yours.”

 

It's winter here in Michigan (or insert your state name)
And the gentle breezes blow,
Seventy miles an hour,
At twenty five below.
Oh, how I love ole Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt.
You take a breath of winter
And your nose freezes shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around.
I could never leave my Michigan
Cause I'm frozen to the ground!




A fart, it is a pleasant thing, it gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter and suffocates the fleas.

A fart can be quiet, or a fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful and very poisonous cloud

A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known to sound like a song

A fart can create a most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless, or silent and deadly.

A fart might not smell, while others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while.

A fart can occur in a number of places,
And leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.

From wide-open prairie, to small elevators,
A fart will find all of us sooner or later.

But that farts are all bad, is simply not true
We must never forget nice old farts like you!

 

Judas Asparagus

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible. Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there wasnothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't beeninvented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one badapple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as longas he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people diedoff, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built alarge boat and put his family and some animals on it. He askedsome other people to join him, but they said they wouldhave to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was morefamous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob hisbirthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a sonnamed Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name wasCharlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egyptand away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent the plagues onPharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every daywith manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet yourneighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more:Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol andthe fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who hadabout 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and thenbarfed up on the shore. There were also some minor leagueprophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is thestar of The New. He was bornin Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It wouldbe nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners likethe Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that theynamed a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and evenpreached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 

Barack Obama is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.” Then little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, ''Well, dumb azz. Stop clapping!”




John was getting close to retirement age but because he seemed to be running out of energy he wasn’t so sure he’d make it to the retirement age before collapsing. So one day his wife called the doctor to make an appointment. When John went to the doctor, he was weighed, his heart checked, blood pressure checked, blood work done, etc. They made another appointment for John to go back after all his tests were completed. When the doctor came in, he said, “John, I have good news for you. We thought you were overweight but according to these charts, you are just 5 inches too short!” Then he said, “And according to this printout after your heart check and stress testing, you are in remarkable shape for an 80 year old man.”

John said, “But doctor, I’m only 59 years old!” The doctor said, “John, you definitely are going to have to lose some weight and get more exercise. But you’ll be happy to know that a new pill has just came on the market and it is guaranteed to make you lose at least 20 pounds in a week. Get this prescription filled and take one pill each night before bedtime.”


That night John took his first pill and went to bed. He’d had some wild dreams in the past but nothing like what he was about to experience. He dreamed he was shipwrecked on a South Pacific Island. As he started to walk around, he spotted this beautiful half naked young girl. As John approached her, she started to run. John gave chase and chased her all over the island but couldn’t seem to catch her. When he awoke he found he was breathing hard and sweating profusely. So he got up and took a shower and then it was time to go to work.

That night John took another pill. He experienced the very same dream that night and again awoke breathing hard and sweating. Again he showered and was off to work. This continued for a week and then John went back to the doctor. He was again weighed and his heart checked and his blood pressure checked. Then the doctor walked in and said, “Congratulations John! You have lost 25 pounds this week. You can stop taking the pills and you should be fine.

The next weekend they were visiting with some relatives and John’s Uncle Bob noticed a big change in John and also noticed he had lost a lot of weight. Bob took him aside and asked him what he was doing to lose so much weight and told him he looked great. John told him about this new pill that the doctor prescribed for him and suggested that perhaps he should give it a try.

The next week found Bob in the doctor’s office. They checked his weight and blood pressure. When the doctor came in he said, “Bob, there isn’t much wrong with you except that you need to lose some weight.” Bob said, “Yes doctor, I was talking to my nephew John and he told me about some pills you prescribed for him to lose weight. I’m wondering if I could have some of those pills too?” The doctor said, “Okay Bob. Just take one pill before going to bed at night and come back here next week.”

That night Bob took his first pill and went to bed. He dreamed one of the most terrible dreams he’d ever experienced. He found himself shipwrecked on a South Pacific Island, but unlike John’s dream there was no half naked girl. Instead he saw a group of savages coming at him and they had fire in their eyes. Well old Bob took off running and ran around the island two times before waking up in a terrible sweat and he was breathing very hard. So he got up and took a shower but spent the day just sitting around because he was so tired.

That night Bob took his second pill. As he fell asleep, he once again dreamed that awful dream of the savages giving chase and he was running for his life. This continued every night that week and Bob drug himself into the doctor’s office. They weighed him, checked his blood pressure and then the doctor walked in. The doctor said, “Congratulations Bob. This week you have lost 25 pounds. You should be good now. Just go home and do what you’ve been doing except you should be walking more every day.”

Bob said, “Doctor. I’m wondering why you gave John a much more thorough examination and also, why is is that when you gave John those pills he dreamed of a half naked girl running around on a South Pacific Island after he had shipwrecked. When I took the pills, I too dreamed of shipwrecking on a South Pacific Island, but instead of a half naked girl there were a group of savages that wanted to take my life.” The doctor looked straight at Bob and said, “Bob. Those pills you took were a little different that what John took. You see, John is still employed and has a wonderful insurance plan. But you Sir, are retired and all you have is the government Medicare Plan!”