A bit of humor!

Two guys are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the VFW!"




There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big man says, "That was a karate chop from Korea." The little guy thinks "Geez," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so. When he returns, without saying a word, he walks up behind the big man and -- BONG!! -- knocking the big dude out cold! The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."



A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?" She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

 

OMG, I am still almost in tears over this!

 

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! "If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold. "Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."



A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1 . The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pizzing and moaning.

 

Yes, I read about that and cried for an hour.

 

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'



Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'



The lesbians next door to me, gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.




A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

 

A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'That's amazing. I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked? 'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?' The blond replied, 'Two popsicles and some coffee.'



A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.' The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!'



There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. Then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?" Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

 

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the President. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC., and those bstards deducted $95.00 in taxes."




Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more! It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice using their vestigial wings and beaks until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried. The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: ...... "Freeze a jolly good fellow." Then they kick him in the "ice hole".




Here lies the body of Mary Lee;
died at the age of a hundred and three.
For fifteen years she kept her virginity;
not a bad record for this vicinity.



There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States ' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. A search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, finding enough arses to fill the stable.

 

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.' The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead. "Your dammed brother won't let me in without a tie!"




Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. “Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” Pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!

 

No one believes seniors. Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money, fifty-thousand dollars. Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday…" The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."




Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.

There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'

We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.

We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and while the night away.

We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.

We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.

We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
and watch the evening news.



Two guys were sitting in a boat. The fishing’s slow so the guy in front decides to have a smoke. He pulls a cigar out of his shirt pocket and starts diggin’ in his pockets for a lighter. He says to the guy in the back of the boat “Hey Bud, I don’t have a lighter, you got a lighter in here somewhere?”

Bud says, “Yep, see that blue tackle bag? Open it up and there’s a big ol’ lighter right on top, can’t miss it.” The other guy opens the tackle bag, “Holy cow, that is one big lighter! I never seen anything like it! Darn thing must be a foot long, where did you get somethin’ like that?” Bud says “A genie gave it to me.”

“A genie? You mean like a genie in a bottle? You’re kidding, right?” he asked. Bud says “Nope, see that Jack Daniels bottle? He stays in there.”

“A genie in a Jack Daniels bottle! Makes sense in a crazy sort of way, I guess. Hey Bud, you mind if I try and get the genie to give me a wish?” he asked. Bud says “I guess that’ll be alright. But you gotta be careful what you ask for, that dam’ genie is old and hard of hearing and he’s usually about half drunk, so like I said, be careful what you ask for.”

“OK, here goes.” He rubs the bottle and POOF! A big dirty gray cloud of smoke appears and slouched on top, a ratty looking run down old genie. “OK, who rubbed my bottle? Ya get one wish, ‘cause that’s all I feel like givin’ today. C’mon, c’mon, I ain’t got all day!”

“Only one wish? Uh, well in that case, I want a million bucks!” he said. The genie gets a puzzled look for a moment and then shrugs, “Well, OK, you asked for it” and disappears. “Man oh man I’m gonna be rich! Hey Bud, thanks man. I’m gonna be rich!” he said.

Bud looks sort of worried, “I hope you’re right, crazy things happen around that dam’ genie!” Suddenly, the sky darkens, a mighty roaring of wings and thousands upon thousands of ducks of all kinds start landing all around the boat! The boat starts rocking from the force of the waves kicked up by the landing ducks, almost capsizing!

“Bud! What the!! What kind of deal is this. I asked for a million bucks!!!” he exclaimed. Bud says, “I told you that dam’ genie was hard of hearing! I told you to be careful what you asked for! You don’t really think I asked for a 12 inch bic, do you?!”

 

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arshole?" he asked. She said, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."



A Scotsman enjoys a very good meal and leaves a 3 penny tip. The waitress none to pleased said “That's ok sir you don't need to leave a tip.” The Scotsman says, “No lassy, the meal was excellent and you were most attentive and I insist.” The waitress says, “Ok then let me tell you your fortune with these three pennies.” He agrees. The waitress tells him, “This first penny tells me your Scotch.” “Aye,” he responds. Then she said, “This second penny tells me your a bachelor” “Aye,” he responds. Then she said, “And this third penny tells me your father was a bachelor.”



John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young hens and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but one morning he noticed Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover. To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.