A bit of humor!

Judas Asparagus

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says,'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked,but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars. Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something. One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy,but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent the plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice,bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother. One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise,but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.') During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.




John was getting close to retirement age but because he seemed to be running out of energy he wasn’t so sure he’d make it to the retirement age before collapsing. So one day his wife called the doctor to make an appointment. When John went to the doctor, he was weighed, his heart checked, blood pressure checked, blood work done, etc. They made another appointment for John to go back after all his tests were completed. When the doctor came in, he said, “John, I have good news for you. We thought you were overweight but according to these charts, you are just 5 inches too short!” Then he said, “And according to this printout after your heart check and stress testing, you are in remarkable shape for an 80 year old man.”

John said, “But doctor, I’m only 59 years old!” The doctor said, “John, you definitely are going to have to lose some weight and get more exercise. But you’ll be happy to know that a new pill has just came on the market and it is guaranteed to make you lose at least 20 pounds in a week. Get this prescription filled and take one pill each night before bedtime.”

That night John took his first pill and went to bed. He’d had some wild dreams in the past but nothing like what he was about to experience. He dreamed he was shipwrecked on a South Pacific Island. As he started to walk around, he spotted this beautiful half naked young girl. As John approached her, she started to run. John gave chase and chased her all over the island but couldn’t seem to catch her. When he awoke he found he was breathing hard and sweating profusely. So he got up and took a shower and then it was time to go to work.

That night John took another pill. He experienced the very same dream that night and again awoke breathing hard and sweating. Again he showered and was off to work. This continued for a week and then John went back to the doctor. He was again weighed and his heart checked and his blood pressure checked. Then the doctor walked in and said, “Congratulations John! You have lost 25 pounds this week. You can stop taking the pills and you should be fine.

The next weekend they were visiting with some relatives and John’s Uncle Bob noticed a big change in John and also noticed he had lost a lot of weight. Bob took him aside and asked him what he was doing to lose so much weight and told him he looked great. John told him about this new pill that the doctor prescribed for him and suggested that perhaps he should give it a try.

The next week found Bob in the doctor’s office. They checked his weight and blood pressure. When the doctor came in he said, “Bob, there isn’t much wrong with you except that you need to lose some weight.” Bob said, “Yes doctor, I was talking to my nephew John and he told me about some pills you prescribed for him to lose weight. I’m wondering if I could have some of those pills too?” The doctor said, “Okay Bob. Just take one pill before going to bed at night and come back here next week.”

That night Bob took his first pill and went to bed. He dreamed one of the most terrible dreams he’d ever experienced. He found himself shipwrecked on a South Pacific Island, but unlike John’s dream there was no half naked girl. Instead he saw a group of savages coming at him and they had fire in their eyes. Well old Bob took off running and ran around the island two times before waking up in a terrible sweat and he was breathing very hard. So he got up and took a shower but spent the day just sitting around because he was so tired.

That night Bob took his second pill. As he fell asleep, he once again dreamed that awful dream of the savages giving chase and he was running for his life. This continued every night that week and Bob drug himself into the doctor’s office. They weighed him, checked his blood pressure and then the doctor walked in. The doctor said, “Congratulations Bob. This week you have lost 25 pounds. You should be good now. Just go home and do what you’ve been doing except you should be walking more every day.”

Bob said, “Doctor. I’m wondering why you gave John a much more thorough examination and also, why is is that when you gave John those pills he dreamed of a half naked girl running around on a South Pacific Island after he had shipwrecked. When I took the pills, I too dreamed of shipwrecking on a South Pacific Island, but instead of a half naked girl there were a group of savages that wanted to take my life.” The doctor looked straight at Bob and said, “Bob. Those pills you took were a little different that what John took. You see, John is still employed and has a wonderful insurance plan. But you Sir, are retired and all you have is the government Medicare Plan!”




EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 40

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. After a couple more weeks, try 50-lb. potato sacks. Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand, and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 

Will I Live to see 80? Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no, 'I replied. I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

'I said, 'Not much. My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even care?




Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. I may look like just an ordinary man, he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I’ll inherit $ 650 million. Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

 

If this really works, I'm dying my hair blonde.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.



An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning.

Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands." The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong."





John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

About 5:30 that afternoon Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. 'Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.


'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy. The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair..

'Son,' said John, 'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'

'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.

'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.

'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, 'I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'

'I am ashamed of you son,' said John. 'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 'Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!'

With that the robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

I agree to the above. Much truth there and so much could be added!!! Like phones. What is a rotary dial? Shoot, I remember the phone on the wall and it had a crank. One long crank got the operator so you could call someone who was not on your party line. To call someone on your line, it would be something like one short and one long, or 2 longs and 1 short, etc.



A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man comes into the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread - on the very top shelf - he politely says to the young woman, "I'd like some raisin bread, please." She climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, providing the young man with an excellent view, just as he surmised she would. When she comes down the ladder, he says he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he orders a loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread just to watch the young woman climb up and down.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and thinking she is really going to have to try the raisin bread herself. Once again she is up the ladder retrieving a loaf of raisin bread for another male customer. She stops and fumes, glaring at the men below. She notices an elderly man standing among the crowd of males looking up at her who hasn't placed an order yet. Thinking to save herself another trip up and down the ladder, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaked the old man, "but it's a quiverin'..."



Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable.



Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'. Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

A bus load of Democrat politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, 'were they all dead?' The old farmer replied, 'Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those bastards lie.'



I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Richard grinned and asked, 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'
'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like the little turd.




A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady with a crown sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all." The doctor said, "That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?" She said, "Thirty-four."

 

A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert and that little bastard's name is Steve."





NOTICE

I-90 will be closed this weekend across South Dakota. They are hauling a 200 ton piece of coal so they can add Obama to Mt Rushmore.





A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, duck, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner!"

 

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers. They panhandle in different areas of town. Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose, but he only collects 2 to 3 dollars a day. Jose, however, brings home a suitcase full of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?" Jose says, "Look at your sign! What does it say?" Carlos' sign reads: "No work. Have wife and 6 kids to support. Anything will help."

Jose says,"No wonder you only get $2-3 a day". Carlos says, "So, what does your sign say"? Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to get back to Mexico".





Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science:

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a notion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons' reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'




An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. “Ma'am,” said the cop, “I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”

“Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home,” responded the Amish lady. “That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away,” instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?” asked Jacob. “He said the reflector is broken,” replied the lady. “I can fix that in two minutes. What else?” wondered Jacob. “I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake,” said the lady.