A bit of humor!

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
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Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following: ;

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'
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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff , contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'
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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
************************************************** ************************************************** **

While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'




1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the stock market.
- Jay Leno

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street.
- Jay Leno

3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!

5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show ... if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it.
- Jay Leno

7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite candy bar.
- Jay Leno

8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures.
- Jay Leno

9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21..
- Jay Leno

10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

 

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. 'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor. The man answered, 'She'd rather remodel the kitchen.'



A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.' 'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.''




WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, 'This will make you happy tonight.'
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.





ELDERLY SEX One night an 87 year old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 year old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defence. She began coolly, 'Yes, your honour, I figured that at 92, if he could have sex .. He could fly.'

 

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the 'After life'. Their biggest fear was there was no after life. After a long life together, the husband was first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact not long after. "Judy ... Judy!"

"Is that you, Steve?" Steve answered, "Yes, I've made contact like we agreed." Judy said, "That's wonderful! What's it like?" Steve said, "Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then I have sex a couple more times. Then I have lunch. You would be proud - lots of greens, then another romp around the golf course then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course then again it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again. More sex, more time on the golf course." "Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!" she said. "Not exactly .... I'm a rabbit at a Country Club near Saginaw, MI."




A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.' The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'

Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.' The pastor hollered out, 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing, 'AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.' The pastor said, 'POWER.' The congregation sang. 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.' The Pastor said, 'SEX.' The congregation fell into total silence. The people were shocked, all of a sudden, from the back of the church, an 87 year old woman stood up and began to sing 'MEMORIES.'




The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up. At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."




One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not." God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said? Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

 

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense. (waiting for attack)

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either.


The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.


If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.


I carry a gun because a cop is too heavy.


When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.


A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.


The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm. 'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my shotgun.'


Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!


But wait, there's more!

I was once asked by a lady visiting if I had a gun in the house. I said I did. She said 'Well I certainly hope it isn't loaded!' To which I said, of course it is loaded, can't work without bullets!' She then asked, 'Are you that afraid of someone evil coming into your house?' My reply was, 'No not at all. I am not afraid of the house catching fire either, but I have fire extinguishers around, and they are all loaded too.' To which I'll add, having a gun in the house that isn't loaded is like having a car in the garage without gas in the tank.

 

Those Wonderful Church Bulletins!


Thank God for church ladies with typewriters who keep us amused. (Bless their hearts.) The following statements actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:


---------------------------------------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered .
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement, Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: ''I Upped My Pledge… Up Yours.”




A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damm church." The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damm it. I said I want to join this damm church!" he said. "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church," said the secretary. She then leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damm problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damm lottery and I want to join this damm church to get rid of some of this damm money."

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this @itch giving you a hard time?"

 

A fart, it is a pleasant thing, it gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter and suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet, or a fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful and very poisonous cloud
A fart can be short, or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known to sound like a song
A fart can create a most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless, or silent and deadly.
A fart might not smell, while others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly, or linger a while.
A fart can occur in a number of places,
And leave everyone there, with strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie, to small elevators,
A fart will find all of us sooner or later.
But that farts are all bad, is simply not true
We must never forget nice old farts like you!



Obama is for banning all guns in America. He is considered by those who have dealt with him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, “Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.” Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said, ''Well, dumb arse. Stop clapping!”