A bit of humor!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'



THE FUTURE OF NURSERY RHYMES

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh crap, it's Global Warming.


Jack and Jill went into town
To fetch some chips and sweeties.
He can't keep his heart rate down
And she's got diabetes.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.


Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
And turned its wool to nylon.



Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Jill, the dill,
Forgot her pill,
And now they have a son.



Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
And grabbed her azz
Now two of his teeth are missing.



Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.



Two old friends, Sally and Jane, met in the street one day. “I’m going to have triplets!” said Sally. “My doctor told me that triplets are conceived only once in every three million times!” Jane said, “Three million! Good gracious, Sally. When did you ever find time to do the housework?”



Ed and Dorothy met while on vacation and Ed fell head over heels In 'Love' with her.After a couple of weeks wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants,concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love. And so, on the last night of his vacation,the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.'It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut,' Ed said to his newfound lady friend. 'I eat, sleepand breathe golf, so if that's going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!' Dorothy took a deep breath and responded: 'Since we're being honest with each other, here goes ...you need to know that I'm a hooker.''I see,' Ed replied. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in thought ... then he added:'You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off.' .....

 

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.' A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat azz downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car when leaving the house!



While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator. 'Well, I'd like to,' said St Peter. 'But I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules,' St Peter said.

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.' So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'



A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, ' Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own...

 

Jesus goes into a bar and sits at a table in the corner. An Australian, an Irishman and an American are in the bar. They're staring at the man sitting by himself, at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman says, 'Faith and begorrah, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a Guinness, a Fosters and a Budweiser. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks them slowly, one after another. After He's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When He lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, 'My God, the arthritis I've had for tirty-tree years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Aussie, thanking him for the lager. As He lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the back pain I've had all my life is completely gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then approaches the American who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God. 'My child, what's wrong?' asks Jesus. The American shouts, 'Don’t touch me! I'm on a disability leave!'



Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,


The boss’ reply:

Dear,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,



NEW MICHIGAN

TORNADO POLICY

In the case of a tornado sweeping through Michigan, we are asking all Michiganders to take shelter at Ford Field located at the heart of Detroit City . We are fairly certain a touchdown will not occur there.




Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old US Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.



Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'



Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in New York, so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me' one last time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.



Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'



The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr. US Marine, what is your final wish?'


'Kick me in the azz,' said the Marine. 'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'



'No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the azz, insisted the Marine.' So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the azz. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of the one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists - killing another 11! In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.


As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the azz?'


'What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three a$$holes report that I was the aggressor?'

 

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use



This man goes into to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle."

"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"

"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

"A farton."

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."

"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."



After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, in California an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: 'California archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old Copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, 'The Birmingham News' in Alabama , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Leeds, Alabama , Billy 'Bubba' Mitchell, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Mr. Mitchell has therefore concluded that even before New York and California had their high-tech communications networks, over 300 years ago Alabama had already gone wireless."



Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it. They failed and it closed. Now we are trusting the economy of our country to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.

 

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was very upset about this and asked: 'Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria said, 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Woman: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Woman: 'Oh. '

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Woman: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Woman: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Woman (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

She got the raise.




I recently researched my family tree and was amazed to discover my great great grandmother invented the lawn chair. Her name was Patty O'Furniture.




A man said to his friend, “I just don’t seem to have any energy any more. It is frustrating because I’m trying to write a novel.” His friend asked, “Have you tried chocolate? It gave Montezuma energy you never dreamed of.”

“Montezuma was writing a novel?” he asked. “No,” said his friend. “But the story goes that he had the biggest harem in the world.” The next time they meet, he rushed over and shook his friend’s hand. “I can’t tell you how much that chocolate did for me!” he said. “Good, good,” replied the friend. “It helped your writing then?” He said, “Writing! Who’s got time for writing?”




HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES ?


Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Then replace all female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the heck -- They don't serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would triple alcohol sales with a 'party atmosphere'. Every businessman would start flying again. Because of the tips, the good-looking strippers wouldn't need a salary. Tips would be so good, we could even charge them something for working. This would saving even more money.

Muslims would be afraid to get on planes, for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt. The airline industry would see record revenues. This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right. A golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.




Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.? A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.' The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'




A girl goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is the first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The girl is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the girl's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, “Skippy!”. The girl thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she paused only briefly before letting out a much louder and longer “rrrrrip”. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Skippy!” Once again the girl smiled and thought “Yes!” A few minutes later the girl had to let another rip. This time there was no hesitation at all. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Skippy, get away from her, before she chits on you!”




Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

 

Ole and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light. 'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long. 'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic Lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box & sure enough, out pops the Genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie. So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks....flying directly overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"




A drill sergeant in the Army was giving one recruit a rough time. He told the recruit, “I know your type all right. You are the kind of guy who will wait around for me to die and then spit on my grave.” The recruit answered, “No Sir! I would not spit on your grave.” So the sergeant then said, “So then, you’d probably pee on my grave, huh?”
The recruit answered, “Sir, I might want to put something on your grave alright enough, but like spit, it is a four letter word and has no p in it!”




A winter statistic: 98% of americans say, "Oh chit," just before they go into a ditch on a slippery road. The other 2% are from Michigan and they say, "Hold my beer and watch this!"




Little Zachary was doing very badly in Math. His parents tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, they did everything they could to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books.

With great trepidation, his Mom looked it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said. "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms" What was it already" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

In Florida , an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring,"Case dismissed!" The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God. Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, Then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.




An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, 'Stop! Acts 2:38! ' (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven .) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'




A reporter stopped in to the local police station one afternoon. Behind the sergeant’s desk was a large, efficient looking woman in uniform who also packed a service revolver at her waist. After checking the blotter, he returned to his car where his wife was patiently waiting for him. “You should see the new woman on the police force,” he said. “She’s temendous, and wearing a .38.” His wife icily answered, “Well, I also wear a 38.”




When a couple moved into their new home, the first one they had ever owned rather than rented, two of the man’s friends gave him a bottle of champagne. In the hustle and bustle of getting settled into their new home, the gift was tucked away and temporarily forgotten. Three months later, a new baby, their third child, was christened. Champagne flowed in celebration until, running short, they remembered the housewarming gift of champagne they had tucked away. In front of their guests, the lady opened the card which was attached to the bottle and read, “Harry, take good care of this one. It’s yours!”