A bit of humor!

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster!
"What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

 

A little boy is walking his dog one day, a neighbor pulls up and ask if he wants a ride, but says the dog can't get in the car. Little boy says that's ok he'll run beside the car and gets in. The old man hits 20 and ask where's your dog. Little boy says right outside the door. Sure enough he's just running alongside. The guy hits 50 and there's the dog just trucking along. The guy gets mad and cranks it up to 90. He ask the boy alright now where's your dog he says right outside the door. Sure enough the dog is running for all its got right next to the car. The guy jams on his brakes gets all sideways and says ok kid now where's the dog. kid says right outside the door. Guy replies that looks like your dog but what's that brown ring around his neck. Little boy says that's his azzhole he ain't used to stopping that fast.

 

stolen from stumble upon

 

one more stolen one, and so true

 

real life sometimes can be funnier than a joke, love this I hope the copy comes up. have a day http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/5nySB...ds-angry-letter-bank-bounced-check/2015/01/14

 

I'm getting carried away here?

 

There are two theories to arguing with a woman, ... Neither works.

Will Rogers

 

stolen from Zach GRa." you know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name.................and you have never been to that bar before?" David Let. " they say there are 12,million illegal immigrants in this country, but if you ask a native American, that number is more like 300 million "

 

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.

He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."

"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

"TWO!" Everybody braces for impending doom.

"Here it comes... THR..."

He is interrupted by a man in the saloon, "Wait! It was just a joke mister. Your horse is right out back... By the way, what'd you do in '71?"

The cowboy looks him dead in the eye and says, "I had to walk home."

 

thought I'd put this here. my great nephews and niece had their "Ant Farm" TRMK taken by eminent domain by the former UN Chief Kofi Annan, http://insider.foxnews.com/2015/05/06/greg-gutfeld-kofi-annan-eat-bugs-stop-climate-change-you-first

 

Guy goes up to Alaska, wants to experience the feeling of being out in the wilderness and basically wanting to be a man of the earth and thought that Alaska was a tough enough place to be all that he could be....

gets to Alaska, goes into the local bar, explains to the bartender his plan....

she tells him there are three things that you have to do to be looked upon as being a fierce man up here.....

he smiles, let me have them he says...

1st thing - you have to hammer down a quart of the best whiskey we have, all in one serving - one swig!

2nd thing , you have to go up to the cave and kill the polar bear that lives there....

3rd thing, you have to make love to a local eskimo woman around the corner!

He said that aint to bad, I'll start with the first thing first, she pours him out a large flask of whiskey and he turns it up and drinks every single drop.....all in one large gulp!

After talking about where this polar bear was located and getting directions to the cave the whiskey was taking it effect.....

he walks up the road, staggering around and blitzed out of his mind, when he finds the cave, he enters and finds the bear, he comes back out 30 minutes later and heads back to the bar where all this started, he enters, the bartender looks at him, blood coming from every direction, cuts, bruises, clothes torn off, blacken eyes, no boots, he looks like he is just hanging on to last seconds of life.....

ok, bartender - where is this eskimo woman you want me to kill?

 

A police recruit was asked in the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?"

His reply? "Call for backup"!

 

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems.............but then again, neither does milk.

 

Around age 10 my dad got me one of those little badass long bow beginner kits. Of course, the first month I went around our land sticking arrows in anything that could get stuck by an arrow. Did you know that a 1955 40horse Farmall tractor will take 6 rounds before it goes down? Tough SOB.

That got boring, so being the 10 yr. old Dukes of Hazard fan that I was, I quickly advanced to taking strips of cut up T-shirt doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was sending flaming arrows all over the place. Keep in mind this was 99.999% humidity swampland so there really wasn't any fire danger. Ill put it this way- a set of post hole diggers and a 3ft. hole and you had yourself a well.

One summer afternoon, I was shooting flaming arrows into a large rotten oak stump in our backyard. I looked over under the carport and see a shiny brand new can of starting fluid (ether). The light bulb went off. I grabbed the can and set it on the stump. I thought that it would probably just spray out in a disappointing manner... let's face it to a 10 yr. old mouth-breather like myself ether really doesn't "sound" flammable. So, I went back into the house and got a 1 pound can of dads muzzleloader pyrodex . At this point, I set the can of ether on the stump and opened up the can of black powder. My intentions were to sprinkle a little bit around the ether can but it all sorta dumped out on me. No biggie... 1lb pyrodex and 16oz ether should make a loud pop, kinda like a firecracker you know? You know what? Heck with that. I'm going back in the house for the other can. Yes, I got a second can of pyrodex and dumped it too.


Now we're cookin'. I stepped back about 15ft and lit the 2 stroke arrow. I drew the nock to my cheek and let fly. As I released I heard a swish as the arrow launched from my bow. In a slow motion time frame, I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck... OH CRAP he just got home from work. So help me God it took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the can. My dad was walking towards me in slow motion with a WTF look in his eyes. I turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow pierce the starting fluid can right at the bottom. Right through the main pile of pyrodex and into the can. Oh. Hell. When the shock wave hit it knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the actual compression wave that threw me back or just reflex jerk back from 235 MF'n decibels of sound. I caught a half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during the initial explosion and I will tell you there was dust, grass, and bugs all hovering 1ft above the ground as far as I could see.

It was like a little low to the ground layer of dust fog full of grasshoppers, spiders, and a crawfish or two. The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this... THE damm DAYLIGHT TURNED PURPLE. There was a big sweetgum tree out by the gate going into the pasture. Notice I said "was". That mother got up and ran off. So here I am, on the ground blown completely out of my shoes with my thundercats T-shirt shredded, my dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can only assume is a Vietnam flashback ECHO BRAVO CHARLIE YOUR BRINGIN' EM IN TOO CLOSE!! CEASE FIRE GOLL DAMIT CEASE FIRE!!!!!

His hat has blown off and is 30 ft. behind him in the driveway. All windows on the north side of the house are blown out and there is a slow rolling mushroom cloud about 2000ft over our backyard. There is a Honda 185s 3 wheeler parked on the other side of the yard and the fenders are drooped down and are now touching the tires. I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment. I don't know- I know I said something. I couldn't hear. I couldn't hear inside my own head. I don't think he heard me either... not that it would really matter. I don't remember much from this point on. I said something, felt a sharp pain, and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked out, woke later.... repeat this process for an hour or so and you get the idea. I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR so dad could beat me some more.

Bring him back to life so dad can kill him again. Thanks mom. One thing is for sure... I never had to mow around that stump again. Mom had been bitching about that thing for years and dad never did anything about it. I stepped up to the plate and handled business. Dad sold his muzzleloaders a week or so later. And I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality either from the blast or the beating. Or both. I guess what I'm trying to say is, get your kids into archery. Its good discipline and will teach them skills they can use later on in life.

 

rather be lucky than good anyday? https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=9NRmYzLrvfM

 

stumble again