Stubborn Grandmother In-Law

My 2¢
At 88, She's earned the right to do it her way
Help as you can, visit &/or talk on the phone a lot

 

Sounds unhealthy and dangerous.
Maybe a little guilt or reverse psychology would work-something like " grandpa wouldn't let the house fall into this condition" "you know that avoiding a problem as large as this will only make it worse" something along those lines?

As far as she is stubborn, I know someone who is MORE stubborn! Stubborner...stubborniest...er...

 

Wildwest, you and your wife have my sympathy. You just described my mother and the last 5 years. She died in July at 93.5 years, and was steadfast and resolute (stubborn) to the end. At least my brother was able to stay with her the last 2 years, but that was still not easy, by any definition. And like bogydave said, she's earned some slack, and her time is now short. Just be closeby for her, you'll be glad you did.

 

The real issue is hers to decide. You have given option, Fate will lead her. The law is, she has a right to be at risk. To her,quality of life means maintaining her autonomy. You can show her options on how she can continue to do that. Her real problem is that the house is falling in around her. You can let adult protective services be aware, but that might run a risk of alienating her. I have seen many seniors move into senior living centers going there kicking and screaming' but within three weeks the admitted the didn't know why the waited so long. There are so many other senior to talk to and do things with.
Backwood savage is in a better position because his house is secure and won't fall in until long after he has a need for it.

 

Went through something similar- House was physically ok, but the ability of my mom and stepfather to fend for themselves was severely degraded by Alzhiemers and dementia ( This likely what you are referring to as stubborn). Rock and a hard place is exactly where I was nothing I could do. Then a couple of medical issues developed and some other family related issues ( that I was not involved in) brought Social Services into the picture. At that point family including myself had zero say in what was going down. Once SS decided that they were not able to adequately care for themselves it was possible to activate power of health and attorney papers. It is a slippery slope at best.

 

Beyond the love the family has for G-M-IL, there may be another issue that may arise and I'm not sure stubbornness can fight city hall. If the local health dep or the local building inspectors office was ever to get word of the living conditions at her home new steps would now force her live responsibly or they may condemn her house. WW, the conditions you have already described sound as if her safety, both structurally and her own well being, may be at risk.

 

Are you willing to have her live with you? I know she wants to stay in her own home, but that may not be possible soon. You said that you 2 get along well, maybe you need to have a talk with her. That being said, I'd rather die in my dangerous house than in a safe nursing home.

 

It can be very difficult and emotional dealing with family. Been there. It sounds like you have both health and safety concerns about her current home. Maybe she needs to hear the hard truth from someone other than family. I'm not familiar with the laws or ramifications in the US but if there is a health concern, maybe a doctor or health professional can visit or local fire department if you feel the structure is unsafe.

 

My wife and I took care of all 4 parents and like others here, I understand the difficult decisions that happen along the way. Mom had dementia issues for her last 2 years. Your list is probably long wildwest If she is thinking clearly and sound in (most) of her daily judgements, it really should be her call... even as hard as it is to watch. If you felt she was not thinking clearly or rationally on most matters, I'd discuss with her & the family lining up new housing and get her into it. None of it will be easy and there may be a lot of tears. You & your honey are the only ones, it would seem, who can figure it all out.

 

Mom will be 90 in May, still lives alone in her house and still driving. She expects to die in her own house like her Dad did at 100. When the old furnace died, Campinspecter replaced it for her. Her health really improved after that. She has stairs which she says keeps her mobile. A stairclimber would probably be used more for moving groceries up it than her. We have talked to her about senior housing which is downtown in her little community (way too small and no garden she says) and my brother has a MIL suite in his basement. Unfortunately my brother lives quite far away and it would mean up-rooting her completely. There is no easy answer. We are fortunate that Campinspecter has been able to keep her in dry wood for the furnace and has been able to do most of the maintenance to keep the house intact. BUT we aren't getting any younger either.

Your situation with Grandma is really unfortunate that the house is falling apart. I know how hard it is to get on wait lists for senior housing and so you can't even try it out and see how it goes.

As Savemoney said - it really is her decision especially if she is not dealing with dementia. It is just so hard to be on the sidelines and watch her struggle with the house.

I guess what I am really saying is that you have my sympathies about the whole situation. No matter what happens to her or what you do for her, everyone is going to feel bad that they didn't do more or make her move into something better.

 

Well said. As usual, you were being modest, again. "We are fortunate that Campinspecter has been able to keep her in dry wood for the furnace"... hehehe, if I'm not mistaken, you've picked up a split or two yerself... And, I know Allan prolly hepped too...

 

I'm sorry to hear this wildwest. Any chance you could go in there with a mild bleach solution, and wipe the walls down, and even pull the carpets, wood sub floor is better then moldy carpet, and maybe buy a big hepa filter for the house. I understand her not wanting to leave her house, as I have seen to many folks go into nursing homes, and deteriorate quickly. This is a tough situation, but It sounds like the best thing would be for her to move in with family, or a nice assisted living apartment. We have a nursing home here with apartments, and a restaurant, and all sorts of amenities on site.

 

You know that is the hard thing, to many people forget about the elderly, when in fact there the backbone of what made this country so great. All the years they worked, and hardships they have been through, I think we need to look after the older generation more then we do now. This is something that has always bothered and saddened me. I always try to check on my elderly neighbors, and do what I can. It is a fine line though, cause you do not want to offer up help and insult them as well. I agree on the the assisted living apartments, they have so many amenities, and still allow the residence to still have there freedom.

 

Send a home inspector there. Id get an inspection, mold test and air quality test. That should all be around $500ish. Show them to all to her. That way the news is coming from pros...not family.