Your best dad jokes...

Not everyone will get that one...

 

Being of sound mind and limited hearing skills I understand perfectly

 

I just built an ATM that only gives out coins. I don’t know why no one’s thought of it before: it just makes cents!

 

Very disappointed in my universal remote control.


It doesn't control the universe.
Not even remotely.

 

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?





A satisfactory.

 

What’s the #1 cause of dry skin?






Towels.

 

What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?



A private tooter.

 

I bought some alligator meat at the market last weekend. I brought it home and realized I couldn’t cook it. All I had was a Croc Pot.

 

Where do pirates go to get their hooks ?



The second hand store.

 

Grandmother horses sweat, men perspire and women merely glow.. fond memories

 

Both my Grandfather and Father, who were both Gentlemen, repeated this many times!

 

Yeah, right!

And we all know............

 

If they did it would smell like roses. Duh!!!

 

My wife is such a good navigator, a self-driving car once asked her for directions.

 

Big ole dad joke dump here...

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move
.4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price
.6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
12. My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
14. Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
20. I’m trying to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re
.23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

 

My boss drove in with a Lamborghini this morning.
I said "cool car".
He said "yeah, if you work hard, strive for excellence, and don't give up,

I will be having another one next year."

 

Ms buZZsaw will argue with Alexa!!!

I just give her the finger!

 

Why should you never tell the sidewalk a joke?

...you don't want it to crack up!!!

BO

 

I love the way earth rotates.


It makes my day.