A bit of humor!

I moustache you a question






Never Mind, I will shave it for later.

 

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.' The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish! So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof! The husband became 92 years old.



Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Northern Michigan is planning to do its own, titled "Survivor - Michigan Style." The contestants will start in Traverse City, travel over to Kalkaska and on to Grayling. Then they will head north to Gaylord, Mackinaw City, and St Ste Marie. From there they will proceed west to Iron Mountain and Copper Harbor. Then they will go south-east to Escanaba and St Ignace, and the final leg will be back to Traverse City.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with California license plates and a large bumper sticker that reads: "I'm gay. I'm a Vegetarian. Beer is harmful to your health. Republicans suck. Hillary in 2016. Deer hunting is murder, and I'm here to confiscate your guns." The first one that makes it back to Traverse City alive wins. Good luck to all contestants!


Watch for these consolidations in 2015.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

8. Knott Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW

 

An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat." "But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!" The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"



A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. The Bear says: "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shiveringwith fear." The Lion says: "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me." Then the Chicken says: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet craps itself."



MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you have to look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

Drew (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked, "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!), leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is butt dust?"

 

Some days you can’t win.

Bob works hard and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Bob! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Bob. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Bobbie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, Geez Bob, you picked up a real b@$#ch this time".



An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filled.

AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!



A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

 

As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?


Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Sean O'Reilly grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Sean, “Come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Seany ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Reilly burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Reilly was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"



Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada. When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one." The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know." Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between Bushes.

 

Following an accident involving a truck, farmer Clyde was being questioned in court by the company's lawyer. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine," asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and, I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again, and, said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was intrigued by Clyde's answer, and responded, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge, and, proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer, and was driving her down the highway, when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign, and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch, and, Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad, and, didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning, and, I knew she was in terrible shape, just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a Highway Patrolman came to the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and, after he looked at her, he took out his gun, and shot her between the eyes. Then, he came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and, said, "How are you feeling?" Now, what the hell would you have said?"



A man was flying across the Pacific on Delta/Northwest and decided he had to go to the bathroom. So he got up and started walking down the aisle, but just as he passed the plane door it malfunctioned, opened and he was sucked out. Miraculously he survived landing in the water and saw a tropical island nearby. He swam to it, certain that he would soon be rescued. However, fifteen years passed and no one came to his rescue. Fortunately there was a spring on the island and he survived on coconuts and fish.

Finally one day, as he was drawing sand pictures at the beach, he sees a woman in a trim-fitting scuba outfit emerge from the ocean. She is beautiful! She says, "Are you Fred Smith?" He says, "Why yes I am." She said, "Congratulations, I am from Rescue Inc., and we have been attempting to find you since you were lost. Now tell me, how long has it been since you've had a smoke?"

Fred said, "Well, of course it's been about 15 years." So she reaches down the front of her wet-suit on the left side and pulls out a package of Camel cigarettes. "How in the world did you know that my favorite brand was Camels?" Fred asked. She said, "We have researched all of your preferences very carefully Fred, we want to do a good job." So as Fred is taking a deep, satisfying drag on his cigarette, the rescuer says, "And how long has it been since you've had a drink?"

Fred says, "Well, that's fifteen years too." And so she reaches down inside the wetsuit on the other side and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels. "How did you know that Jack Daniels was my favorite drink?" asks Fred. She then said, "Well, Fred, as I said we have looked into all of those things too, do you mind if I have a drink too?" Of course, Fred answered, "No, of course not." And they both put a couple away. Then, as she starts to peel off the wet suit she says, "And tell me Fred, how long has it been since you've played around?" Fred says, "Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

 

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing. On his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about" The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is." The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" The deaf replies, "The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park." The interpreter's eyes light up and says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."



After every Qantas Airlines flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form used is a piece of paper on which the pilot completes the top part listing the problem, which the mechanics read and then respond in writing on the lower half of the Form what remedial action was taken, so the pilot on the next flight of that plane can review the form before taking off. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and responses with P = the problem logged by the pilot, S = the solution and action taken by engineers. Qantas, by the way, is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed



Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first Day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother Hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at Work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, “Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?" Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

 

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help."

"Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Then he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.



Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" He said, "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and craps by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred...So, when I start?!"



It was opening night and the hypnotist, The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Oh crap," said the hypnotist. It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

Parable number 1: A crow sat in a tree and did nothing all day. A rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management lesson: To be able to sit and do nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.

Parable number 2: A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to sit on top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "But I haven't got the strength." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients that will give you energy." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it really did give him energy, and he successfully reached the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally on the fourth day, he proudly perched at the top of the tree, where he was spotted by a farmer, who shot him and cooked him for Sunday dinner.

Management lesson: Bull may get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Parable number 3: A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there inside a cow plop, the steaming dung actually thawed him out. He grew warm and happy, and began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management lessons:

1) Not everyone who drops crap on you is your enemy.

2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your friend.

3) If you're in deep crap but you're warm and happy, keep your mouth shut.

Parable number 4: The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked that it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they traded places. Later, they passed some people who said, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would both walk. Then they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride, so they both rode the donkey. Finally, they passed some people who shamed them, saying, "How awful to put such a heavy load on a poor little donkey". The boy and man realized that those folks were probably right too, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Management lesson: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your a$$.



A Shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure." The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his lap top and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the Shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That is correct; take one of the sheep," says the shepherd, and watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the Shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." says the shepherd. "That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know a thing about my business. "Now give me back my dog."

 

Southern Engineering Exam

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called "smart" azz Yankee to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?

6. A man owns a Alabama shack and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought that the test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya .... There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.

As an added bonus here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece ...

Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.



The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A. M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.



A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If you don't mind me asking, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".




A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman! replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

 

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians and Attorneys are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the arse are interchangeable."



Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform well went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of Zeb's time, so he got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so that Zeb could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning, Zeb noticed that Brewster's bell had not rung at all, and he went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But, to Zeb's amazement, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation. The judges not only awarded him the No Bell Piece Prize, but also the Pulletsurprise.


Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green,
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
Jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
Right out of the can.

You have some 'a yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
And awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
Like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life
More than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you is like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These won't do.
Cause yore too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds......
It's a new troll'n motor!