I'm goin' through the big D and I don't mean Dallas....

Or, its looming nearer by the day.



So the particulars aren't clear yet, and everything is in His hands. Things could well change, but I kinda think we're on that train.

So, my approach is thus:
I'm learning to take care of myself...because I kinda haven't, I want to be presentable for the next relationship, and I want to honor the temple He made me to be.
I've lost weight intentionally, am on a healthy way of eating, tossed cigars (as a habit), a certain online addiction, am highly motivated in persuing my faith, am exercising more. I'm cleaning my spirtual and physical house (keeping my side of the street clean), getting rid of lotsa accumulated chaff.

A friend, a military man just taught me to fold clothes in a far superior way than I have.
It occured to me that there must be dozens of little things someone in my spot can do to remain strong and disciplined when the war rages on the outside.

So I'm asking everyone here what tricks and ideas you implimented to get through. I'm thinking specifically about the big D, but I reckon other crises of lifestyle would apply.

I'm solid. My faith is strong, my God is good, and my friends close.

Sirchops a little less now.

 

Sirchopsalot Being a part of a Bible believing church is a good place to be. Regular worship is just as important as regular meals. Your faith needs to be fed and nourished regularly. Being in Bible studies with your pastor and friends is a great support, both for you and the others in the group.

 

Well shoot man..... half the battle is seeing it coming. At least you're not trying to fool yourself into believing it'll just work out. Your life will work out just fine either way from the sounds of it. Maybe better. Kinda sounds like you have a new inspiration and motivation. Try to look at the positives and know that God controls your life, not you.

Other than that a good hobby or two got me thru mine. Gardening and dirt biking were my main two. Get back to the basics of what you actually need to live each day. Then build your happiness from there. Don't really think of the next relationship to motivate you, more the idea of being self sufficient and being ok to be by yourself.

Just keep moving forward. Day by day and step by step.

 

I spent some time fooling myself into thinking it would work out which all it did was make me miserable and the end still came. So friends are good to have but you have to learn how to live alone and coming to peace with yourself you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else
We can’t change the past
We are making the present
The future hasn’t been set for us yet

 

Everything I know about getting through a divorce I learned by doing the wrong things. Somebody told me back then that the pain is inevitable but the suffering is optional, which I didn't fully grasp until much later on, in hindsight. It sounds to me like you're already on decent footing as you do your best to walk this path. A healthy body and mind will do you wonders. It'll be a rollercoaster for sure. You've got to allow yourself to feel the feelings, and not fight them. The anger, the despair, the fear, and even the moments of joy and serenity. It's all a process, not an event. Be patient with yourself. Fill your time with productive things that you enjoy doing, and surround yourself with positive people. Being isolated and stuck inside your own head can lead to dark places so please reach out whenever you need to.

 

Stay strong my friend...sometimes things can't be worked out! Put your head down and make your life better than it was with your wife.

You will be in my thoughts

 

Been there...done that!

Time heals all wounds.

Once I made the decision to divorce, I followed through with it and never looked back. Now, many years later I can say all the temporary pain and suffering was worth it. Speaking from my own perspective... living in misery everyday with someone I no longer loved or cared to share my life with (and vice versa) was just "kicking the can down the road". I'm not giving out advice to you or anyone else on this board when it comes to personal relationships, but for me going through the "BIG D" eventually made my world a better place to live.

Good luck to you Sirchopsalot on whatever path you choose to travel in life.

 

So sorry to hear of this Dave. Went through it myself 20 years ago. Life will be tough for a while and time will heal your wounds. Keep the mind, body, and soul active. Rely on family and friends for support. The only thing constant in life is change.

One thing I wanna know and I'm sure the FHC as well...who's getting the wood hoard?

My apologies if that was in bad taste, but laughter and humor keep me sane in this crazy world. And would anyone that knows me not to crack a joke in any situation, yourself included.

 

Been there done that twice. Once you've decided it's the right move, plow forward and listen to yourself, not everyone else. It's tough for a while but the end result is worth it.

 

I just hope for your sake this song doesn't come true....

 

Yup....been kicking that can for a few years......I'd rather see us fix, but if not, moving on will work....better than can kicking indefinitely. I've forgotten what it's like to be loved!
Except from doggo. She has saved my bacon more than once!
Sca

 

The hoard stays with me ATM.
But if leaving happens, I hope to take it and the wood stove with me.
Otherwise, come and get it!
D/Sca

 

It's been dragging on for a while. Relief is finally in sight.
Greatful for everyone's words and wisdom I am.

In reading on-line, simplifying life drastically is an element of staying in control....and creating a new discipline to move ahead with.

A new appropriately sized bed (twin is a little small to share with a 70# dog) will be ordered soon. As will a captain's bed.

Staying the faith is also critical.....to keep my mind from endless wandering.

Ive put 2000+ miles on the putt, more to come. Throttle-therapy is a good thing.

Staying in touch with family and friends is also on the list. I haven't cut much, other than the odd tree-job. But took 2 down for my host here on retreat. Not only did they go exactly where I wanted them to go (thanks to discussions and stories here) but I had a chance to be creative with the saw.

I will stay tuned to this thread. Events will be unfolding. And I hope the collective wisdom will help someone else.

Ash, about 18" diameter.



Very dead, burned easily.


The mill-creek runs noisily through the retreat-house land. They used to have a wheel powered by said creek

 

Sirchopsalot sorry to hear this as always pray for someone in this position that the marriage could be saved. In some cases it does not work out. I went through it as did my wife now. We led a divorce care ministry for a few years as well. On the saving side the best advise I've ever heard is don't just expect the loving feelings to just return, feelings follow actions. If the divorce happens stay tethered to a local church body if possible and surrounded by strong spiritual friends. Also down the road don't let bitterness get a foothold, but work on forgiveness to help you push forward. Praying for strength.

 

Like has been said a lot of good people on hear have gone thru the divorce if you want to vent
Or ask a question or even just talk This is the place that will help

 

Been there, done that, it was so much fun I got married a second time! But I got the right one this time around.

I hate to hear you're going through this, but the reality is you'll be better off. I remember when the signs of a divorce were starting to show, I felt anxious, nervous, worried, you name it. But my concerns were not about losing my b word of an ex wife, it was about losing the time invested and I hate tarnished memories. But they can't all be good and tomorrow isn't as bad as it seems. Those tarnished memories serve a purpose and they're just a small fraction in the total time you have to enjoy your life. The best thing to do with them is remember and learn while you can, because the hurt feelings will be gone before you know it and you'll forget why you ever cared. But you'll need them to take notes.

When it came time to pull the plug, I was ready to go. It felt weird being free from 99% of the things that were annoying me and at the same time not having a clear plan for my newfound happiness. Things just kind of came together on their own. It helped talking to other guys, much older, who were the same "been there!" joking attitude about it. I also bought a bunch of cars (projects) and it was still cheaper than my ex.

What I would NOT do is get into this habit that you're somehow going to renovate yourself into someone who, long term, is unsustainable. You need to be who you are. Of course you can "fine tune" yourself and improve in some areas, but you have to be real with yourself. Everybody screws up every now and then. You can't beat yourself up for that. If you are serious about getting into another relationship at some point you need to be with someone who can overlook these imperfections and help you through them, not criticize and marginalize you for them.

One thing that is helpful when you're in this state of "fixing yourself" is to take GOOD notes, mental or otherwise, of what your deal breakers are and stick to them. Don't let up on them when you see these deal breaking characteristics being shown by people who you want to pursue a relationship with. Because by allowing these deal breakers back into your life while in the honeymoon state where your brain's natural "feel good chemicals" obfuscate reality, you'll be back in the same position when the newness wears off and it's back to daily annoyances that build up over time into another huge burden to endure.

Whatever you decide to focus on, make sure it's sustainable. Don't try to be a stranger's "perfect man", instead, present yourself honestly and find someone as imperfect as you but together you both combine to make the perfect couple. You should not have to go out of your way to find compatibility with another person, they're just as annoying and uninteresting as the rest of us. But YOUR specific deal breakers are what sets your pool of potential dating interests apart from everyone else. Good luck and we're always here for you.

And I love Mark Chestnut. They don't make country music anymore.

 

Very, very well put sir.

Are you a therapist?