Your best dad jokes...

I thought there was one of these threads already, but couldn't find it, so I guess I'll start one (or another)

-So my neighbor put on a new roof for us...turns out it was free...because it was on the house.


-After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music? Because he had a ton of sick beets.


-I only seem to get sick on weekdays. I must have a weekend immune system.

 

-What did the duck say to the cashier when he bought some Chapstick? "Put it on my bill!"
-Why don't sharks eat clowns? "They taste funny!"

 

Woman says to the doctor "help my husband he thinks he is a refrigerator"
Doctor says it is "just a phase"
Woman says "he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake"

 

Why won't hunters shoot hippies? They are hard to clean.

 

Is the train on time?...no its on the tracks.

Should you eat French fries with your fingers? No, you should eat them with your mouth!

Seriously, should you eat French fries with your fingers...no, you should eat your fingers separately!

Ms, buZZsaw has heard those since the day we met over 16 years ago.

 

Evidently "dad jokes" ain't sposta be very funny?
Sorry guys.... carry on.....

 

I learned a valuable lesson recently. Never buy work boots from a drug dealer. I dont know what he laced them with but i was tripping all day!

 

What did the three legged dog say when he carried a gun into a bar?


I'm looking for the guy that shot my paw.

 

2 guys walked into a bar
3rd guy ducked

 

A horse walk into a bar. Bartender says "why the long face?"

 

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop!

 

What does a 400 lb. mouse say? "Here kitty, kitty"!

 

Keep 'em comin!

-Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.

-Which days are the strongest? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.

-My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."

 

They're supposed to make little kids roll their eyes and beg you to stop, especially if their friends are present.

 

Okay gotcha, I'm culturally illiterate.... home schooled and no TV for the last 35 years.
Plus, I can't stand lame jokes... especially the pun variety....
Anyways, nevermind ol' party pooper me.

 

Diarrhea is heredity. It has been discovered in your genes.

 

-What brand of underwear do scientists wear? Kelvin Klein.

-What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.

-Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

 

you must love my threads then!

 

Did you hear about the forgetful runner? He had to jog his memory!