A bit of humor!

A blonde, came running up the driveway one day, just jumping for joy! Her husband didn't know why she was jumping for joy but thought, what the heck and starting jumping up and down along with her. When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" He said, "Great. Tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told him that she was pregnant! He was ecstatic! They had been trying for a while, so he grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said "Oh, honey. There's more." He asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"




An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said: "Friend, for your age your in the best shape I've seen." The old feller replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The doctor asked him how he knew that. "Why," the old man, "I must live a good, clean life or the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night." The doc looked a little concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you." "Yep," the old man said, "Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me."

Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental conditions. He told me every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "Why that rascal," she said. "I thought someone has been peeing in the refrigerator."

 

Them arnt fightin words, Them are pooping words

 

~ Cowboy shopping ~

I ain't much for shopping,
Or for goin' into town
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't too easily found.

But the day came when I had to go -
I left the kids with Ma.
But 'fore I left, she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

So without thinkin' I said, "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
An' I bent down and kissed her
An' said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, I done the things I needed,
But I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing -
I worked me up a sweat

I walked into the ladies shop
My hat pulled over my eyes,
I didn't want to take a chance
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told that lady right straight out,
"I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
Every woman in that store
Was a'gawkin' right at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
Well, I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before,
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gave me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Follow me," I heard her say,
Like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
I thought my jaw would hit the floor
When I saw that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd never seen before
I thought I'd go plumb crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you ain't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally made my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done.

But then she asked me for the size
I didn't hesitate
I knew that measurement by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths you say?
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! I'm real positive -
I measured them last night!"

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they all was crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife had heard the story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For women's underwear.

 

Applies to each person as they enter Texas. Learn & remember:

East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!


1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it.

4. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce.


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

More Redneck pictures:

 

Collards is green,my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilka-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,
we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these just won't do.
Cause yo're too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,
More useful than diamonds...it's a new troll'n motor!!

 

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir," replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're dammed right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"


My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up!


Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes turned to him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist." That's when the proctologist fainted.



Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow." And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."



A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the USForest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers from the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled.

True story: this was actually proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one old boy in the back of the room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem at all. Them coyotes ain't breedin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em."

 

Suthurn, I say Suthurn, Suh

SUTHURN EXPRESSHUNS AND WURDS

Spoke like they oughta be spoke EXPRESSHUNS

Ah luv yuh as hard az thundah bumps a stump.------Az hard az nailing a raw aig to the wall.
Battered her eyes like a toad in a hailstorem.--------Busy az a bumblebee in a bucket uv tar.
Crazy az a lune.------------------------------------Calm az a May morn.
Dead az a doornail.---------------------------------Dull az dish watah.
Empty az a morun's mind.---------------------------Eye-catchin' as a fat sow.
Fast'ern greased lightin'.-----------------------------Frisky az a free flyin' fritter. (say that 3 times)
Goofy az a goose.-----------------------------------Good'ern green apples.
Happy az a cow chewin' her cud.--------------------Hongry az a hawg.
Ill az a hornet.---------------------------------------Ignornt az a ox.
Jumpy'ern a jackrabbit.------------------------------Jitt'ern a jaybird.
Kinder nice of yawl to call.---------------------------Kit-n-kaboodle.Limbah az a dishrag.---------------------------------Lyin' lack a rug.
Mean az a mealy bug.--------------------------------Mad az a wet hen.
Nairy a one left.--------------------------------------New'ern a new-born lil'un.
Orny'ern a stubborn mule.----------------------------Ovah yondah.
Purdy'ern a speckled pup.----------------------------Poah az a churchmouse.
Quair az all get-out.----------------------------------Quick'ern a bunny hop.
Rough az a cob.--------------------------------------Rich az possum gravy.
Sour az curduled milk.--------------------------------Sobah az a jedge.
Tough az whitleathah.---------------------------------Tight az two peas in a pod.
Ugly az homemade sin.-------------------------------Up high'ern a kite.
Vain'ern Miss Uppety.--------------------------------Vile az lye soap.
Wet az a drowned rat.--------------------------------Wild az a buck.

WURDS MEANINGS
Antigoglin----------------------------------------------Lopsided
Argy-----------------------------------------------------Fite wid wurds
Backards------------------------------------------------Wrong way
Bothahrayshun-----------------------------------------A bothah
Clum-----------------------------------------------------Past tense of climb
Cow grease----------------------------------------------Buttah
Doh-------------------------------------------------------House openin'
Daze------------------------------------------------------24 owahs
Evah whichaways--------------------------------------In all directshuns
Excusin'--------------------------------------------------Exceptin'
Fahunah--------------------------------------------------Not a native suthernah
Far--------------------------------------------------------Sump'n thet burns
Groan----------------------------------------------------Gitting oldah
Grayed---------------------------------------------------A time in school
Hesh up--------------------------------------------------Shut yo mowth
Har-------------------------------------------------------Hair
Jaw-------------------------------------------------------Talk
Justice---------------------------------------------------'Bout whin
Kindah--------------------------------------------------Sort of
Kitchen safe--------------------------------------------Cupboard
Layin' off-----------------------------------------------Aimin' to
Loud-----------------------------------------------------Declairahed
Misremembah------------------------------------------Forgit
Mighty nigh---------------------------------------------Almost
Nairn---------------------------------------------------None
No how------------------------------------------------Anyhow
Ordah--------------------------------------------------Ought to
Ovahhawls----------------------------------------------Pants wid straps
Paw raid------------------------------------------------Marchin' folks
Plum----------------------------------------------------Completely
Quair---------------------------------------------------Strange
Quick'ern-----------------------------------------------Faster than
Retch---------------------------------------------------Past tense uv reach
Raisin---------------------------------------------------Upbringin'
Sho'-nuff------------------------------------------------The real thang
Slue-----------------------------------------------------Many, large numbah
Tar------------------------------------------------------Rubber wheel
Tuck----------------------------------------------------High-tailed it, ran
Undah---------------------------------------------------Not ovah
Undahwears---------------------------------------------Clothes undah your outer wear
Vairy----------------------------------------------------Change about
Victoreen------------------------------------------------Victory
Whairabouts---------------------------------------------Where
Wrench--------------------------------------------------Las washin'
Yawl-----------------------------------------------------You all, more than one
Yore-----------------------------------------------------Singulah uv yawls

 

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.


"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke

 

We had company this long holiday weekend while in the RV (tight quarters). They had 2 young boys. Jumping on the mattress was the main attraction and great amusement for all the children...Our RV bedroom has a sliding door to the commode. Tonight, after company left my dear daughter asked to use the potty, except she wanted to stand infront of the commode instead of sitting on it

 

You should have let her try it!

 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.


To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

 

Top Ten reasons why Men prefer guns over Women

10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN



A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday," said the frog. Patricia looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."



An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling tired and depressed. As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by her predictable, sarcastic remarks. While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, the sight of her husband's rear end greeted her as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud, woman! Don't you ever stop?"



This is what happens when a redneck wins the lottery.

 

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try My fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. Then Satan created HMOs.



One of those Senior Moments

1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?’ Mabel answered, “I have? A suppository?” She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big chit he always was.”

3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: “Ma’am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise” The old woman faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap”

4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for 10 more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that wall!”
5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.” I said, “Well, then why are you crying?” She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.” I said, “Well, why are you crying?” She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?” She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon and returns later, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse....alone." The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb horse. For the last time . . .BRING POSSEE!!




Here's what happened to Buford. He walked into a doctor's office. The receptionist asked him what he
had. Buford said, Shingles. She wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out. She asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. She wrote down his height, weight, took a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in an examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. The nurse drew a vial of his blood for the Lab, took his blood pressure, and an electrocardiogram. She instructed Buford to remove his clothes, put on a gown, and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, Shingles. The doctor asked, “Where?” Buford said, Outside, on my truck. Where do you want them?



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, “Cause you're ugly.”

 

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of the act. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?" The little girl replied, "Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."



Non Living Things Have A Gender too...

1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2) Copiers are Female, because once they’re turned off, it takes awhile to warm them up again. They're effective reproductive devices if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3) Tires are Male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4) Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

5) Hot Air Balloons are Male because, to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them -- and of course, there's the hot air part.

6) Web Pages are Female, because they are always getting hit on.

7) Subways are Male, because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8) Hourglasses are Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9) Hammers are Male, because they haven't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but are handy to have around.

10) Remote Controls are Female...... Ha! You thought they'd be male. Consider this: They give a man pleasure, he'd be lost without them, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.