A bit of humor!

Aging Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.


A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man ready to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump. Think of your dear mother and father." He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump." She said, "Well, think of your wife and children." He replied, "I'm not married, and I don't have any kids." She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee." He replied, "Who's Robert E. Lee?" She replied, "Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb Yankee.

 

Detroit, Michigan (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Detroit Lions, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.



People spend a lot of time thinking up their children's names. It's just a pity they don't always think as hard about their domain names. All real and clean, despite appearances.

First there is Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:

http://www.whorepresents.com

Second is the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views:

http://www.expertsexchange.com

Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:

http://www.penisland.net

 

One day a ten pound baby is born in the hospital. Oddly, the infant's body weight is only five pounds, But his testicals also weigh five pounds. Both the doctor and nurses are mystified. The surgeon walks in and asks, “Whats wrong?” To which the doctor says we don't know what to do with this baby. The surgeon takes one lookand says he should be put into a mental institution. “Why?” asks the doctor. “Well just take a look at him,” the surgeon replies, “It’s pretty clear that the boy is half nuts.”


Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?" The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."


You know you're a true MICHIGANDER when...

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.
2. You measure distance in hours.
3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.
4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).
7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.
12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.
13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.
14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.
15. Down South to you means Ohio
16. A brat is something you eat.
17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole shed.
18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.
19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."
22. You drink pop and bake with soda.
23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.
24. You know what a yooper is.
25. You think owning a Honda is Un American.
26. You know that UP is a place not a direction
27. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.
28. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.

 

Anthrax Scare at Ford Field

Detroit, MI - Tuesday, October 18, 2005 - Anthrax Scare At Ford Field, Detroit Lions football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Coach Mariucci immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.



Muslim Quaterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a topnotch quarterback to lead the team. Then, one night while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with an incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM! He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then, he threw another at a passing car going ninety miles an hour. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" the coach said to himself, "He has the perfect arm for a quarterback!" So, he travels to Afghanistan, finds the young man, brings him to the States, and teaches him the great game of professional football, the way it is played in the USA.

The Detroit Lions win the Super Bowl on the strength of the young man's abilities. The young Afghan is hailed as a great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the man wants is to call his mother. "Mom" he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says, "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads, "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts, "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get attacked!" The old lady pauses for a moment, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"

 

SENIORS DRESS CODE

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are
quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
13. Thongs and Depends

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.



A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

 

Da Creation of Da Upper Peninsula

In the beginning dere was nuttin'.
Den...

On da FIRST day, God created da UP.
On da SECOND day, He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks.
On da TURD day, He said "Let dere be Yoopers to roam da Upper Peninsula."
On da FORT day, God created da udder world down below.
On da FIFTH day, He said "Let dere be trolls to live in da udder world down below."
On da SIXTH day, He created da bridge, so da trolls would have a way to get to heaven.
God saw it was good and on da SEVENTH day, He went huntin'. EH!


This is a true story told to me by my now decreased brother-in-law, Clem Monkoski, who at the time held some type of Union Committee job in addition to being an employee of the Bosch Brewery at Houghton, Michigan. At one of the Union meetings, the guest speaker was Phil Ruppe, who, I believe, was a Michigan Congressman at that time. A larger than usual number of members were in attendance, and when the person who introduced Mr Ruppe said, "Now, we're going to have a talk by Mr. Phil Ruppe, and also, dere's lunch over dere and da bar is open." At once, there was a noisy eruption of chairs being overturned, raucous voices and general bedlam. Mr. Phil Ruppe, distinguished guest, was at the lecturn facing a sea of empty chairs!!

 

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers and eight or
ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...

The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't looking.



An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,"Son,I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your Mother."

 

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.



A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that
She is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my arse coming into work today.”