Thought for the day...

Say this one real fast:
He was a selfish shellfish
A selfish shellfish she,
She flirted with a jell-fish
One day by the sea.

And in a manner elfish
Yet lacking greed for pelf
She told the selfish shellfish
His place was on the shelf.

Then in rage he cried, “Well, fish,
Your flirting makes me wroth!”
He fell upon the jell-fish,
And beat him to a froth.

Today the folks who sell fish,
The touching story tell,
Of a selfish shellfish weeping,
By a selfish shellfish cell.

 

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

A book critic said, “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it.”

When ideas fail, words come in very handy. Goethe

 

Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing. Werner Von Braun

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

Have you ever read a book that had its covers too far apart?

Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win.

What first appears to be a sloppy or meaningless use of words may well be completely correct use of words to express sloppy or meaningless thinking.

 

Blessed are they who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it.

A man walks nervously into a field with a bull. He spies the farmer on the other side of the fence and asks, “Is this bull safe?” The farmer replies, “He’s as safe as can be, but I can’t say the same for you.”

Fate often puts all the material of happiness into a man’s hands just to see how miserable he can make himself with them. Don Marquis

A fellow at a restaurant that serves great chicken was asked how they prepared their chickens. He said, “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

What do you get when you cross a mafia boss with an economist? An offer you can’t understand.

 

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham hock?

It isn’t what we don’t know that gives us trouble, it’s what we know that ain’t so. Will Rogers

On an application form where they ask who to notify in case of an emergency, I always put “the doctor.” What is my mother going to do? Steven Wright

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them. Flannery O’Connor

Make it foolproof and sure enough, a better fool will come along.

Reality is whatever refuses to go away after I stop believing in it.

 

One possible reason things aren’t going according to plan is that maybe there never was a plan!

The best weapon against the ridiculous is ridicule.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

I robbed from the rich, kind of like Robin Hood, except I kept it. Bill Becker, career con

The following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins:

Thursday night Potluck Supper, Prayer and medication to follow.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
And then one time the chairman of the budget committee stood up and invited the whole congregation to the church basement for a “rear end review.”

 

I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. David Dinkins (once mayor of NYC)

I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball player

The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk, cut with axe.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.