When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago. Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself." Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job." Cop: "Please step out of the car." Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. I had my patience tested. I'm negative. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say "Did you bring the money?" When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever. I run like the winded. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?" I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery? I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east." It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out. That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
