At breakfast, the husband says to his wife “What would you do if I won the Lotto?” I’d take half and leave you” she says. “Great” he says. “Here $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch”.
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I guess this might be R rated... (in today's world, it's pretty tame) An old lady walks into the Chase Manhattan Bank and asks to speak to the bank's manager. The teller says, "well he's a very busy man... can I ask why"? She says, "I have a million dollars in this bag and I want to make a deposit". After being shown the contents of the bag, the teller arranges a meeting immediately. She sits down with the manager and he asks, "maam that's a lot of money, do you mind if I ask how you got it"? "Sure" she says, "I bet". "What do you mean"? "I bet with people... in fact... I'll bet you $25,000 that by 9 oclock tomorrow morning, your nuts will be square". The flustered manager thought she was crazy of course. She said, "I mean it... in fact, get all of your legal people in here and we'll get it all in writing". Knowing she had a lot of money already, the manager thought how could he lose? He got all the papers signed making it a legal contract. They parted ways until the next morning. You can imagine, the manager was more than a little nervous. After all, this was just plain weird. He'd checked "things" many times since meeting the lady, and all was fine though. At quarter to 9, the lady shows up with a man, and she sits down while he stands at the back of the room. "I'm very sorry to tell you this maam, but I'm afraid that "things" are just fine and that you've lost this bet". She says, "well, this is a lot of money so I'll have to check". She goes around behind the desk, gets him to drop his pants and bend over. She clamps hold of him and takes a look... then stands up. "You can get your pants back on" she says. The red faced manager can't believe what just happened. Almost speechless, he notices the man she brought with her banging his head against the wall crying. "What's the matter with him"? She says... "oh him, he's my lawyer, I bet him $100,000 that by 9 oclock this morning, I'd have the manager of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls".
A big game hunter went on a safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One morning, while still deep in the jungle, the hunter's wife awakened to find her mother gone. She woke her husband, and they both set off in search of the old woman. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight. The mother-in-law was standing face-to-face with a lion "What are we going to do?" his horrified wife asked. "Nothing," her husband replied, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes. His boss asked what happened. The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye.” “Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked. “Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.” Home Remedies 1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 3. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink. 4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. 5. A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button. 6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. 7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer. Then you will forget your toothache. And remember these simple rules of life: 1. You need only two tools; WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape. 2. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are, “I apologize,” and “You are right.” 3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 4. Never pass up an opportunity to go potty. 5. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance
Who says dads can't think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ... A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." Being old school he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline, and dabbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."
