A lad I know went into a local bar. While standing at the bar enjoying a beer, the ugliest woman in the place walks up to him, and stroking his arm said" Hey sexy, can I have your phone number?" He says "Do you have a pen?" She says "Yeah, I sure do.." He replies " Well, you best get back in it before the farmer realizes your missing....!!!"
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. Man: “Hello.” Woman: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?” Man: “Yes.” Woman: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?” Man: “Sure, ... go ahead if you like it that much.” Woman: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked.” Man: “How much?” Woman: “$60,000.” Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.” Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.” Man: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000.” Woman: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you!” Man: “Bye, I love you, too.” The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he’s in a good mood that day he decides he might give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name. “Fred,” he replies. “Fred what?” the officer asks. “Just Fred,” the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. “Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?” The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m just Fred.” The officer walked away in tears laughing.
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Law But Aren’t 10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge. 8. Counselor, let’s do it in the chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she’d better be good. 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn’t: 1. Think you can get me off? Bumper Stickers: Don’t be sexist. Broads hate that. Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signals. I need someone really bad. Are you really bad? IRS We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.
That was cool! Kinda like what our cat does to our feet when we move in the middle of the night in bed. (and BTW, cats can fly )
Did you hear about the (insert whoever you want here) who thought a quarterback was a refund. ...who thought General Motors was in the army ...who thought tripped over a cordless phone ...who thought took all day to make OJ because it said concentrate ...who thought thought Taco Bell was another telephone company ...who thought you had to put a stamp on all Fax mail ...who thought he went to the airport, but when he saw a sign that read, “Airport Left,” he turned around and went back home. Football sounds dirty, but it isn’t. But take a look at these: 1. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it. 2- He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow. 3- It’s a game of inches. 4- That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it. 5- When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding. 6- He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow. 7- He found his tight end. 8- He had to stretch to get it in. 9- He gets penetration in the backfield. 10- He blows them off (at the line). 11- He bangs it in. 12- He could go all the way. 13- He gets it off just in time. 14- He goes deep. 15- He found a hole and slid through it. 16- He pounds it in. 17- He beats them off (the line) 18- He’s got great hands.
When you are over sixty, who gives a $hit............ This female looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?" I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out." When you are over sixty who gives a $hit? *********** I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." When you are over sixty who gives a $hit? *********** I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." When you are over sixty who gives a $hit? *********** I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in. When you are over sixty who gives a $hit? *********** I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so." I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. " When you are over sixty who gives a $hit?
Drive By A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick bustard! SEX Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore ... A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband. Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frigin bike. SCAM Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed. Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?" The prostitute said, "if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?" Easy Jet Paddy calls Easy Jet to book a flight. The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?" Paddy replies "How do I know! It's your plane!"
I hate stupid people.... would someone take both of these clowns licenses and vehicles away before they kill someone.
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one single drop of paint on their habits. After discussing it, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
