I hope it does not come to that. I had a friend that his wife left him and he had to take out a second mortgage to pay her off.
I will wish you Happy Birthday. While I have not been married I came close once. It took me awhile to realise that I had to discard my feelings for them. It is sad but I think it is needed so that you can fight for your rights here. You have just as much rights to have custody of YOUR kids as your ex does. Courts are changing; it is no longer the idea that a mother is the only one that can be a caregiver to children. You haven't done anything wrong so go to court and at least fight for joint custody if not full.
My daughter just went through that after 18 yrs. two kids, now in college and 3 yrs later she is whole again, but not without some major crisis management. But she survived and so did the kids. She found a new love who also went though that out of the blue sudden dump. Together, they are very happy and I think things will be right for them for the rest of their lives. Don't be afraid to get professional help with the depression. There is light at the end of this.
Its good to hear from you sir. Glad you're back and standing tall. I will dispense with the "been there, done that" because so many of us here have-I will say only this-The FOOTPRINT you make on this earth is solely yours and is not reduced or diminished by the fact that your prior arrangement did not work out-YOU are only responsible for your actions and you are honorable-The FINGERPRINT you leave is defined by that honor and your children duplicate that legacy, you will always be their father. They love you unconditionally and always will, cause you always strive to do the right thing. The right thing is worrying about what you CAN influence and letting go of what you cannot. The only affirmation is when we look in the mirror and ask did I give my best? If you did, the actions of others is for them to answer-stop beating yourself up. Your children, regardless of age, only get one father. They deserve your best.
Frank and Beans, so many inspiring words have been posted above.... I won’t try to add much to them posts... but I too have BTDT, still recoiling... I have cherished the 2x we met at Backwoods Savage, and of late have been wondering where the heck ya been. Now that I know, I am saddened and my heart goes out to you, bro. One thing I will repeat as mentioned above, if ya need to chat, PM me... I’ve been to the edge-pushed near the breaking point, and was given a 2nd & 3rd chance by the Grace of God So, I know the depths that one may go to inside the mind. Happy 44th bud... let’s get to 88 (I’ll be 45 in a few weeks, and I want a gooder FHC’er there when I hit at least 80) We’re all pulling for ya, it’s the FHC way, so PLEASE- reach out, man!
Frank there are many great words of advise. Having been through a divorce back in '98. Those were tough times for sure. It is so easy to look for a way out. Sounds like you have found the reasons to make the best you can of the situation. Your kids, family and friend need you, if you think their lives are hard now, without you, their lives will get worse. In my situation, I had no children, but lost everything imaginable. Lots of dark days to work through. Now 19 years later, I have been married for 16 years, to who became my best friend. We have 3 great children and a great life. Life has a funny way. Any single change would not have brought me to today. Our plan is secondary to God's plan. We may never understand or figure out the reasons...in time you shall look back and be thankful of where you are in that moment. You are the best father your kids could ever have, and you have to be there for them. They will be/become the best of you. The example you are will help guide them to be great the great people of tomorrow. Good luck you will be great!
Frank and Beans ... Sorry to hear that kinda of news... Glad to see your back though. You'll be on my prayer list.
It is humbling to hear so many words of inspiration. I can assure you, I need and appreciate them. The whole process is such a rollercoaster ride. Just when I feel I have made real progress, something as simple as not hearing from her on my birthday brings me right back down again. I keep getting back up, but I am getting so tired of being knocked down. I love her very much, but she suddenly hates me now-and that is a tough pill to swallow.
No matter what, she is the only one who can change her views/feelings for you. Don't beat yourself up trying to influence her. If it is at all possible, make sure it is an amicable custody arrangement. Do not go into court or hire someone that is looking for a fight as this will only draw the whole process out longer. (Some people that give advice openly admit to their intentions of lying in court settings to achieve their goals.) Do not compromise your core beliefs! Don't roll over and play dead, but remember that the children will figure things out (if they are too young now) and will understand if they are old enough now. Once again, take up the offers on people willing to listen, OK? You are not the first or the last to go through something like this.
Frank and Beans sorry to hear about your loss. I as everyone here are happy to learn that you were able to walk through hell with your burden and still make it out. Coming to the realization that your kids need you is very important. Making a plan is very important. Keep in mind that you'll need to be flexible. Bend don't break. My cousin went through a horrible divorce. After only three months she walked out. Leaving my cousin and their new born. The best piece of advice he received from his lawyer was to record everything. For 9 months he didn't hear anything from her. Then out of the blue, she came back. Within 5 years she wanted custody after he had done everything. Thankfully he had his journal of every interaction and every penny between them. Not only did he win the first custody battle, but he also won the second one. Now it does not sound like your situation is like his, but I would encourage you to record everything. Each time she asks for money, give it to her as a check only. Never cash. Cash cannot be proven. Oh she'll give you all kinds of heck if you give her a check, but that is your record of giving her money. That way you can go back and pull all of your check stubs or bank records when it comes time for any custody/child support discussions. Protect yourself. Like someone else said, they are just as much your kids. File for joint custody. Be a part 0f their growing up. One final piece, I am a full believer that everything happens for a reason. We don't always see it, but there is always a reason for everything. Jason from RI.
So much gold to mine in these posts Frank and Beans ... the future possibilities are endless. Hang in there...
Hey fellas, I just talked to Frank and Beans and all thing considered, he sounds pretty good. I think he is tough enough to get through this but for sure it won't be easy. He knows he is more than welcome to come here any time to visit or just get away. I don't think he mentioned it but he too shot a really nice buck. He said having his son get one was worth more and that is easy to understand but that takes nothing away from him getting that big one. Congratulations, my friend. I hope you get that buck mounted. Need help? Call me. Text me. Beat me on the head; anything.
I'm sorry to here of your situation , It will work out, it just takes some time . It's tough not seeing the kids every day at first, After my wife and I split, over the years I spent a lot of time with my girls, I had really great quality time with them . I think the time spent with my kids was always extra special because if the situation. Like said your kids need you , they need your influence and guidance to get them ready for adulthood . Focusing on my girls is what saved me when all the crap went down . Happy days ahead
Suddenly hates you? Too familiar, researching "cognitive dissonance" and "compartmentalized thinking" was really helpful for me, thought I might throw that out here if it happens to helpful for you too. There's some good info on it @ marriageradio.com and marriagehelpers.com (both free) where its geared specifically towards marriages.
So sorry to hear this Frank and Beans , when I read your post(s), it could have been my own (only we didn't have kids) its so hard to understand how somebody can change so dramatically seemingly overnight. Its been 9 years for me and life looks completely different now...I have 2 kids, a 3YO and a newborn, and a wife that is a much better match for me honestly. The thing that helped me more than anything at the time was to spend lots of time with family and friends...and I got involved in a Divorce Care class at our church and even though I was SUPER skeptical about it going in, it helped me deal with the situation SO much! Those people became some of my best friends that summer, and since...irreplaceable experience...I would never have been in any kind of shape to deal with things and move on in a healthy way without it. I gotta say though...it was REALLY gratifying to hear wife #2 say that she thinks wife #1 was completely nuts to have let me "get away"...I agree! The one thing I would do differently would be to get a lawyer...she offered to do a DIY dissolution as long as I split everything 50/50...I agreed because I was trying to not drive her further away, and also I had heard horror storys about how things went for the husband in Ohio divorce courts...since then I have been told by many that since we didn't have kids, and she had never contributed to the household income in any major way, that I got screwed by agreeing to 50/50. I did manage to hold on to the house and my stuff, but only because we had little debt (I did after though!) Anyways, just my two cents...hope you had a still had a good birthday despite the text disappointment...mine was yesterday too, it was a good day...turns out there's a bunch of us on FHC that narrowly missed a Halloween Bday The Official FHC Happy Birthday thread!! Be well and take advantage of the offers of a listening ear, PM those that have offered here, or any of us FHC'ers...many people here seem to have walked this path...be well man, and take good care o' them kiddos
Lots of good and supportive folks here that really care, that is quite evident. brenndatomu that divorce care class you spoke of is what my wife and I led, if it was the same program. I went through it myself shortly after my divorce and I can also say it helped me deal with things in a healthy way. Thought a lot about you today Frank and Beans , keep your chin up.
Lots of caring folks on here, for sure! Hard to believe so many others have been through this. I was so naieve to think that it could never happen to me. I honestly thought we had a wonderful marriage. If someone would have told me 8 months ago that I had 1% chance of getting a divorce, I would have laughed at them and called them a fool! Now I am the one who feels like a fool.
That was the actual name of it...Divorce Care...13 weeks, watch a vid, and then discuss...really good stuff. Since then, my wife and I actually ended up co-leading a couple classes too. My wife was divorced years ago and she says she really wishes she would have had this class back then, it probably would have saved years of issues. They have a couple other classes too...the one I remember right now was Grief Share for people who have lost loved ones...
