A bit of humor!

Let me know if the pic is showing pls.

Answer, 3 to figure out movie player and me to snap pic = 4. And one blackie doggie to photo bomb

 

Keepin' em honest eh....

 

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and then rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant. 'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'



Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"



Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Ohio State University, has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. After a news conference, announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him!



GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.

 

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple. "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife. "For Heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football!"




A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.' The little boy replied, my Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many. "

The boy said, my Daddy has 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way. The priest getting impatient said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said. "Maybe you should wear a Condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”




Airline Announcements

United Flight Attendant announced, 'People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
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On landing, the stewardess said, 'Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have. '
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'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane'
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An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?' The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'
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As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella, WHOA!'
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After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because sure as hell everything has shifted after a landing like that.'
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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'
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Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo , Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!'
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'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'
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'As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses except for
that gentleman over there.'
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Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.'
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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix , the attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'
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Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways.'
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Heard on a Southwest Airline flight - 'Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.'
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A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' A passenger in Coach yelled, 'That's nothing. You should see the back
of mine!'

 

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a$$hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

Officer: "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

Lawyer: "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

Officer: "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

Lawyer: "Aggressive and hostile?"

Officer: "Yes, Sir?

Lawyer: "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for A$$hole?"

Officer: "Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"




Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a Hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?' Donald frowned and said, 'No.' Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex. 'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested. So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. 'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald. The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill? 'Thit No!' Donald quacked, I'll thuffocate.

 

A man was sitting on the sofa watching TV when he heard his wife's voice from the kitchen: "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie? Chicken, beef or lamb?" He said, "Thank you; I'll have chicken." She said "frick You. You're having soup. I was talking to the cat."



There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear. Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.



President Obama was having that one, lone brief conversation this year with General McChrystal about Afghanistan. Things were obviously not going the way the General had hoped. Obama could sense this, and told him, "I bet when I die, you'll pee on my grave." To which General McChrystal answers, "No sir, I've always said that when I get out of the Army, I'll never again wait in another line."



To really, really understand why women are different from guys:

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy screws a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl screws just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a crappy lock.

 

During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.



THE NEW COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello?"

"Mrs.. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs.. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

''Well, what am I supposed to do now? "

"The folks at the government health care office recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

Wife asks, "How many women have you slept with?" Husband proudly replies, "Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake." Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM



The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.' The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. 'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat. After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?' She replied, 'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.' And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'




My wife and I are traveling by car. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00. I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high.I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.'But we didn't use them.''Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says. 'But we didn't go to any of those shows.'

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.' No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I reply, 'But we didn't use it!' The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a cheque and give it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00.' I said, 'That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager. So I said, 'Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have.'

 

To fix the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, they dropped a wedding band on it, and it quit putting out right away!




Ramblings of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.' I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers! When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'! I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.