A bit of humor!

Blond: Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-glazed energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them. Boy, oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what this fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back. Guess I won that stupid argument.



A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,' and before he could say 'F*&%,' the Rottweiler ate him!"



How can you tell a poisonous water snake from a non-poisonous one? Well, if you get bit and you die, that would be the poisonous one.




The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."



Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde. "Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the Game Warden. "But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river." The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line.

"Well, I know of no law against it," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left. As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the other two, "doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!"

 

It was a sweltering August day in 1937 when the Cohen brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of Henry Ford. "Mr. Ford," announced Norman Cohen, the eldest of the three. "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." Ford looked skeptical, but their threat to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black automobile parked in front of the building. Hyman Cohen, the middle brother, opened the door of the car and said, "Please step inside, Mr. Ford." "What!" shouted the tycoon, "Are you crazy? It must be two hundred degrees in that car!"

"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down Mr. Ford, and push the white button." Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool. "This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else: The name 'Cohen Brothers Air-Conditioning' must be stamped right next to the Ford logo!"

"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. Five million dollars, but the Cohens' name would be left off. However, the first names of the Cohen brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why, even today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly printed on the air conditioning control panel: NORM, HI and MAX.



Bananosecond: The time between slipping on the banana peel and hitting your head on the ground.



A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. The dentist takes out a needle to give the man a shot of Novocain but the man objects, saying "No way, no needles, I can't stand needles." The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous but the man again objects, "No gas, please, the mask on my face is suffocating to me." The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. "No," said the patient, "I'm fine with pills." The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet." The patient says "Wow, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain pill." "It doesn't," said the dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull out your tooth."

 

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and the walk home is taking some time due to their intoxicated state. Eventually, they find themselves desperate for a wee. At that particular moment, they are passing a church and decide to go behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to 'freshen-up' with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and then throw them away.

The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, when she notices a new grave nearby with lots of fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with a thick soft ribbon. Just the job' she decides and without another thought, duly drags the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself. Their task completed, the women continue staggering home.

The next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second. "We need to keep an eye on our wives. Mine came home with no knickers on last night." "You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck up her *($# that said, "We'll Never Forget You - From All the Lads at the Fire Station"

 

Sorry folks, but this is the end of the "Humor" thread.

Also I am sorry for posting this Mr Moderator but it is how I feel and I see nothing wrong with it.


When a so-called joke get pulled because of being political that is a bit much. I re-read that joke and not one 4-letter word was printed, however, the two words, Conservative and Liberal were used. When we have to blot out something like that in a funny, I think it is time to delete the entire thread on humor because there is no longer any humor.

Sorry to have offended but then, I am also offended and think this a bit silly.

 

Dennis,

We certainly appreciate your humor that you share here in this thread, I personally enjoy quite a bit of it.

Rules are rules however and we all know that political controversy has no place here on FHC. While many here may have found your liberal vs conservative joke funny, a few almost certainly would not. So yes, even political funnies are subject to moderation.

 

I appreciate where you are coming from.

The part that really gets me is that this was all about beer; not politics. And here I read over and over and over how people on this forum like to talk about beer. I stand corrected.

 

omg I have read that a few times but just realized the punch line.