A bit of humor!

A doctor was about to go home for the night when he got a call about a baby. He went over to the house, and went to the bedroom. There was no electricity in the house, so he told the father-to-be to hold a lantern up. The baby was born. "Wait," said the doctor, "don't put that light down yet, I think there is another one in there!" Sure enough, another baby came out. The doctor said, "Not yet, I think there is yet another in there!" The redneck father scratched his head, and said, "Do ya think this light's attractin' 'em?"



An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "Yes." So the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a redneck on crutches...He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke !" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's young un over there?" The waitress once more allowed as how it certainly was, so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "on my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the redneck, he jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm drawin' disability!"



How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."


An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?" The driver says, "'Bout what?"


Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes' some chickens." "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, if ya guesses right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK. Ummmmm...five?"


An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here-muh house is on fahr!" "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"


Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.



Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

 

The President of the USA is also the CEO of the military, yet it seems that George Bush couldn’t control his Generals and Clinton couldn't control his privates.



After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be because our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently, "Its rust."



A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"



A Texan is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar announcing his wife has produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average down home, folks like I said, my boy's a Typical Texas baby boy.

"Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!". We heard one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say you're the father of that typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. So how much does he weigh now? The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Texas father takes a slow swig from his, Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had'm circumcised.

 

Bubba Wayne and Billy Bob, who are both from Denton,Texas, traveled to Grand Lake, Oklahoma for a vacation. While walking along a busy downtown street, they see a sign in a store window which reads, "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each and Trousers $2.50 a pair." Bubba Wayne says, "Woo Hoo, Billy Bob! We could buy a whole gob of these clothes, take 'em back to Denton, sell 'em to all our friends and make us a fortune. Now when we go in there, don't you say a word, okay? Just let me do the talkin' 'cause if they hear your Texas accent, they might think we're ignorant, and they won't wanna sell them clothes to us. Now, I'll talk in a slow, fake Oklahoma drawl so's they won't know."

They go in and Bubba Wayne says with his best fake Oklahoma drawl, "I'll take 50 of them thar suits at $5.00 each, 100 of them thar shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of them thar trousers at $2.50 each. I'll just back up my pickup and......" The owner of the shop interrupts, "Ya'll from Texas, ain'cha?" "Well....yeah," says a surprised Bubba Wayne. "How come'd you know that?" "Cause this here's a dry-cleaners."



Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."




Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!" "IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom, "We haven't even swept together!"




Bubba's pregnant sister is in a serious car accident causing her to fall into a deep coma. She awakens after nearly six months and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins - a boy and a girl and your babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor answers. The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise." She then asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

 

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Pollack were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to Jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The Pollack opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The Pollack opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the Pollack's wife. She said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.”




A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors... After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story... After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard... "What's the matter with you...? the older doctor demanded... "Mrs. Reid is 62 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren--and you told her she was pregnant...?" The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up asked, "Does she still have the hiccups...?"




A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

 

I have heard this before and it STILL gives me chuckle.

 

I have some polish in my ancestry, the jokes were always flying at holiday gatherings.

 

I used to have a huge collection of them. Quite naturally, I learned most from my Polish friends. I worked for a time around the Posen area in MI and also I recall the airport manager at Manistique. She always had some new ones for me and we'd compare. It was a lot of good clean fun.

 

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked: "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A thought. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said. Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I had already...!" He got the job.




Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters, " said the professor, to the student from Minnesota, "What is the opposite of joy?" "Sadness," said the student. "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Pennsylvania. "Elation," she said. "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up."




Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what he did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch! and again nothing happens. They figure that the Law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires."




An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has? She says, "Ten boys." The officer says, "And their names?" She says, "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." The fellow asks, "All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" She says, "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells ‘LEROY!’, and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" The man asks, "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" She says, "Then I call him by his last name."




Two sisters, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. One sister balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to come and haul it home."

She arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home." The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Since she only has $1 left, she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'COMFORTABLE.'" The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'COMFORTABLE'?" She says, “My sister is blond. She’ll read it real slow.”

 

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results. The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." Mr. Smith asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife," Said the tech. "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. The lab tech said, "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" asked Mr. Smith. "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."




There are three truths in life:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Two Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.




ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned." "Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "But, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'.. I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"




A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains at a university. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed, "Well brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle! I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's Holy Word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a creek. So I quick dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's Holy Word, and praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

 

Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could d on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?" Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "It could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."




Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children were. The first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father." The second Catholic woman chirped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman said smugly. "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle "Well....?" She replied, "My son is a handsome, 6' 5" hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says, "My God."




Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell"

 

A mother and her young son are flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turns to his mother and asks, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother couldn't think of an answer, so tells her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess the same question." The stewardess responds, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."



A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles and curly hair?" "That's your father," his mother said. "Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?" asked the kid.



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, on the seventh day, resting. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael!! Look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"


"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"


God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice. The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Michigan, the most glorious place on earth. You'll notice that it is made in the fashion of my hand, the Hand of God. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills.



The people from Michigan are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in Washington DC."

 

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.


The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done." They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.



A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered for 10 or 15 seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered again. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "Are you all right?" The woman said, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” The man was a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."



A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at everything, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking that he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner and asks, "How much for the bronze rat?"

The owner replies, "$12 for the rat and $100 for the story". The tourist gives the man $12 and says, "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street.

This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?"

"No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Mexican, a bronze Muslim cleric, a bronze Democrat, & anything French."

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church." The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. How much does he send you?" The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" "He is a veterinarian," she answered. "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."



An elderly man in Florida, named Bob, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice and had picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening Bob decided to go down to the pond and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Bob frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."



Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful,'" Morris replied. To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!'"



A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper," an ice cream parlor, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. "Crushed nuts?" the waitress asked kindly. "No," he replied, "arthritis!"



A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"

In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now, all French Army officers wear brown pants.

 

Creative Smuggling

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" The priest said, “Of course. What may I do for you?" She said, "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me, under your robes, perhaps?" The priest said, "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you," the woman said. When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" The priest replied, "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" The priest answered, "I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next".



An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed the lady was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name and in a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “Yes, I have your name right here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?


All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though and in an equally loud voice replied, “No. I’ve come to inquire about a sex change operation. But I don’t want the same doctor that did yours.”