Thought for the day...

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

 

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.


I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.


A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

 

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


A will is a dead giveaway.

 

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

 

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

 

"Mr. John Q. Taxpayer,
I don't know if you realize the sacrifice you make?
And I'd like to take my time, sir, to offer you my thanks.
It's really the least I can do,
since I have all day to get to,
My to do list and that's all thanks to you,
Mr. John Q. Taxpayer.

You get up at quarter to 4,
It's not long before you're out through the door.
Pack a lunch, but not too much.
You had to get store brand so you could afford enough.
Watching the flyers like you must, sounds like it's a little rough,
But me and my food stamps wouldn't know, and I'd like to thank you,
Mr. John Q. Taxpayer.

Have a nice drive to town,
I hope your car doesn't break down.
I know you put on a lot of miles going to the salt mine.
You could have bought something new,
If they didn't take a dollar for your every 2,
But I guess that's all you can do,
And I'd like to thank you,
Mr. John Q. Taxpayer.

Watch out for moose or deer,
Such collisions can be rather severe,
If you can't work you can't pay for my beer,
So you must understand my fear,
Peel your eyes and open your ears,
Oh, and I know you do,
And I'd like to thank you,
Mr. John Q. Taxpayer.

Work hard, try to impress the boss.
2 others were already laid off.
If they like you, they'll hesitate to let you go.
It must be hard, seem rather unfair,
Not knowing if your job will always be there,
But my income will never change, and that's good to know.
And I don't even have to get out of bed till after 2,
And I'd like to thank you,
Mr John Q. Taxpayer.

Yes, 6 AM to 5 O'clock in the afternoon,
A Paid holiday once in a blue moon,
You work so hard to keep the household barely in the black.
I'll never be in the red, and all because I spend all day in bed,
They won't let that happen to me,
Because you make $150 and take home 83,
And I'd like to thank you,
Mr John Q. Taxpayer.

When you finally get to your house,
It reminds you what the work is about,
Got a roof over your head,
A warm bedroom for your kids,
200K later you've got something to show for your labor,
And from my free apartment, I'd like to thank you,
Mr John Q. Taxpayer.

Well now that I've finished my breakfast and you're finally home,
I have a note I'd appreciate you passing along.
I know you're tired and ready for bed,
But I beg you not to forget,
As you question the meaning of life,
Please make sure this gets to your wife.....

'Your husband pays for my stuff,
And you pay for my wife's.
And I'd like to thank you,
Cause she's the love of my life.
We can't bear to be apart,
Like if we worked all day,
And the more babies we make,
The more the gubment pays.
You take 2 kids to daycare,
it costs half of what you have,
But we got 17, she's a Stay at home mom,
I'm a stay at home dad.
If you need a pill to ease the stress,
Guess I owe you one or three,
Since I get a big Ole bag for free,
And I'd like to thank you,
Mrs Jane Q. Taxpayer.'

And tell your supervisor,
the one who makes a grand a week,
Thanks for all the cigarettes,
I know that they ain't cheap.
I save some cash rolling my own, and spend what I save on more,
You can smell the fine aroma bout 20 feet from my door.

Yes, I can watch TV 8 hours, instead of lifting a pound.
And I can buy whatever I want, with folks like you around.
You keep working overtime, to avoid financial distress,
And all that's on my resume, is my name and my address.
I guess I should give an honorable mention to uncle Sam,
You provide the funds, but he forces your hand.
My life is one of luxury, and I barely leave my couch,
The bank has claimed your paycheck before you put it in your pouch,
And I'd like to thank you,
Mr John Q. Taxpayer."

 

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally challenged, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.


Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote for?

Candidate A
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
Which of these candidates would be our choice? Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.


Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, to abort the baby, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging someone. Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading. Never be afraid to try something new.

Remember:
Amateurs...built the ark.
Professionals...built the Titanic

And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

 

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to
pee.

2. Law of Gravity -
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the
universe.

3. Law of Probability -
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers -
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

 

5. Variation Law -
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the
one you are in now.

6. Law of the Bath -
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters -
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are
dressed totally inappropriately or you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result -
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

 

9. Law of Bio-Mechanics -
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theater & Football Stadium -
At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11. The Coffee Law -
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which
will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers -
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.