Thought for the day...

How do you catch a unique ghost? Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame ghost? Tame way, unique up on it


How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.


How do you get holy water? You boil the hell out of it.


What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

 

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.

What do you call santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.

 

A beautiful face will age and a perfect body will change but a beautiful soul will always be a beautiful soul.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time. This produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. And with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

 

Do You Know Your Hymns?

Dentist's Hymn....................Crown Him with Many crowns
Weatherman's Hymn.................There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
Contractor's Hymn.....................The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn......................Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn.................... There's a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn................Standing on the Promises
Optometrist's Hymn....................Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent's Hymn................I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn.....................Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn.............Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn.................Sweet Bye and Bye
The Realtor's Hymn..................... I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn.... He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn...................... The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
100mph.........Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

 

An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer, “It was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.”

“Praise choruses?” said his wife. “What are those?” “Oh, they re okay. They're sort of like hymns only different,” said the farmer. “Well, what s the difference?” asked his wife. The farmer said, “Well it's like this: If I were to say to you, Martha, the cows are in the corn, well that would be a hymn. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Martha, Martha, Martha Oh, Martha, Martha,
MARTHA the cows, the big cows, the brown cows,
The black cows, the white cows, the black and white cows,

The COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn,
Are in the corn, are in the corn, in the corn,
Corn, CORN, CORN, COOOORRRRRRNNNNNN;

Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing three or four times, well that would be a praise chorus.”

Amazingly enough, on the exact same Sunday a young, new Christian from the city church attended the farmer s small town church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well, said the young man, It was good. They did something different, though. They sang hymns instead of praise choruses.” “Hymns?” said his wife. “What are those?” “Oh, they re okay. They re sort of like praise choruses, only different,” said the young man. “Well, what s the difference?” asked his wife. The young man said, “Well, it s like this - If I were to say to you, Martha, the cows are in the corn, well, that would be a praise chorus. If, on the other hand, I were to say to you:

Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry;
Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth.
Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by;
To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth.

For the way of the animals who can explain?
There in their heads is no shadow of sense;
Hearkenest they in God s sun or his rain;
Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced.

Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight,
Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed.
Then goaded by minions of darkness and night;
They all my ripe sweet corn have chewed.

So look to that bright shining day by and by,
Where all foul corruption's of earth are reborn.
Where no vicious animal makes my soul cry;
And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.

That would be a hymn.”

 

"I AM A CHRISTIAN!"


When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting, "I'm clean living."
I'm whispering, "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.


I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.


I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow!

 

Children in the backseat cause accidents, accidents in the backseat cause children.

Never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time. And never take a laxative before you go sky diving.

Of the good you do today, people will probably forget tomorrow. Do it anyway! Do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.

If when people throw stones at you, you do not have to throw them back. Shoot, sometimes you can use them to build your empire.

 

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies. Succeed anyway!


If you are kind, people may accuse you of being selfish and having ulterior motives; be kind anyway!


What you spend years building someone will probably try to destroy overnight. Keep building.


If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you. Be honest and frank anyway.


Give the world you best and it may not be enough. That’s okay; give everything your best anyway.


If you find serenity and happiness, others will be jealous; pay them no mind.