A bit of humor!

Did you hear about the fellow who loaned his buddy $4000 for plastic surgery. Now he can’t find him because he doesn’t know what he looks like.

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.

A man was listening to a conversation in a doctor’s waiting room. One lady recounted the doctor’s orders to her husband, saying, “In six weeks you’ll be able to walk up two flights of stairs, lift 20 pounds and you can resume normal sexual activity.” To which her husband responded, “If I’d known about the sex, I would have had the surgery a long time ago.”

Summer has arrived.

 

At a bar, a pompous young man was acting rude and disrespectful toward the older, regular patrons. He was bragging about how expensive his designer jeans were, especially compared with the old, baggy coveralls worn by the other men. Finally, one old-timer had had enough. “Young feller,” he said, drawing out some playing cards and a whip, “I’ll bet you a glass of that wine you’re drinking that if you lay this deck of cards on your leg, I can cut right through it with this whip and not even touch your designer jeans.”

“You’re on—if you can see that far,” the young man taunted. With that, the old-timer gently laid the pack of cards on the young guy’s leg, cracked the whip, split the cards, and tore a hold through the costly pair of jeans. “Barkeep,” he said. “Get this feller some wine. I just lost myself a bet.”



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”


A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up reading “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car, walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips, and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

 

You know you’ve been in Arizona too long when:

Your car overheats before you start it
You can make sun tea instantly
You burn your hand while opening the car door
The best parking space is depicted by shade and not distance
You can say 115 degrees without fainting
You understand the reason for a town named “Why”
You use your air conditioner during the winter so you can light the fireplace.



And then there was the fellow who purchased a $1.99 screwdriver that came with a lifetime guarantee. When he got home and read the fine print, it read: “If for any reason this tool fails to give you complete satisfaction, replacement will be made upon its return and $3.00 for postage and handling.


Can you imagine if Galileo had been a baby boomer? He would have proved that the universe revolved around him!


Have you heard about the new retirement pension plan? When you retire, they buy you 50 lottery tickets and wish you good luck.


True bravery is arriving home late after a boy’s night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere”?

 

Yeesh, and you know someone somewhere is actually considering this.....

 

This reminds me of a joke I heard Billy Joel tell on TV once.....

How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

One. They simply hold the bulb and the world revolves around them.

 

An old man was watching a shapely young miss in a mini skirt so intently that he almost walked in front of a car, which happened to be a police car, prompting the officer to observe: “That gentleman’s eyes were almost on their last legs!”


A reporter was sent to interview the county’s oldest resident, aged 101. He asked the old fellow what he thought about the modern woman of today. “I’m afraid I can’t help you, sonny,” he said. “I quit thinking about women 10 years ago.”



Doctor to overweight patient: “You may eat anything you like. Here’s a list of the things you’re going to like.”



The chairman of an employee’s committee had recently given up smoking, and he suggested that they ban cigarettes from all future meetings. His proposal was defeated by a narrow margin. Later in the meeting, the feminine members were admonished to use more discretion in the wearing of short skirts. In the silence that followed, a small voice from the back of the room said, “Guess what else he’s given up.”



This year prices are way up and now they say that hemlines may be on the way down. Somehow I think someone has completely lost their sense of direction.

 

A sign on an apartment building read: “Girls apt available on second floor.” Later, someone posted a sign below it: “Girls not so apt available on third floor.”


Do you bit for ecology this weekend: Buy your beer in kegs instead of in cans.


After 15 years of weekend golf, a fellow finally made a hole in one. Several golfers circled around the green and applauded him as he lifted the ball from the cup. What a thrill it was for him. Afterward, he told everyone at the clubhouse at least twice how he played the shot. Finally he went home to tell his wife. “What’s a hole in one?” she asked. He explained to her that instead of hitting the ball all over the fairway, he had performed the remarkable feat of striking the ball only once, and that it had gone directly into the cup, 180 yards away. Her only comment was, “Then why didn’t you get home a little sooner?”



An attorney was approached by a Mr. Nicholas Versus. “Are you married?” asked the attorney. To this Nick replied, “No. Why do you ask?” The attorney said, “Well Nick, if you were married and wanted a divorce, I’d handle the case free, just for the thrill of filing Versus vs. Versus.”



Then there was the corporate treasurer who, when he stood in front of the board members said, “This month’s financial report is being brought to you in living color—red!”



Have you heard about the new diet plan out now? You’ve heard about the Lo-cal diet and the No-cal diet. On the new one, you eat whatever you can afford. It’s called Fis-cal.